Um. . .

So this post was started 3 weeks ago and is being posted without completion today 4/3/09. because I never got around to finishing it, and so much more has happened. . .

Last Wednesday evening I got to share the gospel with my dad again. It was different this time. I was at peace as I spoke to him, calmly answering all his questions and being able to tell him things I hadn't said before, until he had no more questions and could not reply when at last I said "all we can do is fall on our face before Him and tell Him we need Him." My father is showing more love towards me and we are drawing closer. He says he is happy to see me so happy. I know this is the greatest testimony I could have before him, when all my years I have been so unhappy, it means more to him than anything to see me happy.


Two weeks ago Tuesday, I got to spend time in the Word with my mom, per her request. My younger sister is not sure my mother is saved and I realize I have not been faithful to preaching the gospel like Christ did (Matthew 24 & 25), and as we are warned to work out our salvation with fear and trembling. So with those things fresh on my mind, the Lord used our time together to lead me from Proverbs 5 (where she wanted to read) (I talked about false teachers (in relation to harlots who lure away with sweet words onto paths that lead down to death) because she likes watching Joel Olstein)) to Matthew 24 & 25, as a warning. It was good and she was very attentive and open to it all. Then I suggested we could start going through the "Excellent Wife" as our weekly study. She agreed. My mother and father both want to study the bible with me on Tuesday nights, and I would prefer to study with them individually rather than together. So every other week with each would be ideal.

Two weeks ago Saturday during my time ministering at Hope Ave. (our weekly South Upland Children's ministry, I will be sharing more about this somewhat obscure ministry soon) I spoke with one of the women I have built a relationship with. Her name is Lurdes, Lulu for short. Her daughter and son, some of you may know, Luz and Alex. She faithfully sends them to our church with Jennifer and Chris Yan every Sunday. Luz has recently started attending AWANA and if faithful there. Lulu is a very sweet and sincere woman and she shared with me some of her struggles this week. I finally asked if she'd like to do a bible study with me, every other week. She thought about it and said yes. I asked if she'd like to do one on learning about the Bible or one on learning to be a good wife. She thought about it and said she would like to learn about being a good wife. So we set it up to start this Wednesday. This week at Hope Ave. I ran into one of the new neighbors. I don't remember this woman's name, but she is a young mother of two little ones with one on the way and lives with her husband there, right below Lulu's apartment. I had introduced myself and spoken with her twice before and so took the opportunity to talk to her again as I saw her walking into her house. She said "it was a pleasure greeting you again" and went inside because her little one (Andre) needed to use the restroom. She came back out a few minutes later to leave somewhere and I thought I'd ask her if she'd be interested in joining this bible study. She thought about it and said yes.

Alejandra is another woman I have been meeting with since Upland Campaign this last August. The Lord really seems to be working in her life mightily. We have been going through the Fundamentals of the Faith book together and it seems the Lord is really giving her understanding. She too shares a lot with me about her life. I find more and more these women just need listening ears and we have the Lord's wisdom to offer them. She will be joining our study on Wednesday nights, Lord willing.

Yesterday afternoon I was driving from Alejandra's house and realized I promised I stop by another house to encourage a young girl who has been faithful to attend AWANA this year and has been progressing rapidly through her memorization, until recently. She suddenly stopped coming. Her grandma finally shared with me that she was having trouble with one of the sections and was embarrassed to go to club. I offered to stop by and help her with it. So yesterday I remembered and stopped by. They were home with her two younger sisters (7 & 5) and their niece (2?). Shortly after my arrival the girls mom came home. Well, though it is typical to hear yelling at disobedient children, this was a new level. All this mother could do was yell at her little girls, for anything and everything. This home was as broken as I'd seen, I won't go into detail. After spending some time there, I headed out. This was my breaking point. I did not know what to do or where to go or what to feel. Would I go run the errands I needed to and take my mind off it, would I go to a coffee shop and suppress the tears and pull out my lab top and blog about it? I ended up finding a place to park and ball my eyes out. The following lyrics played as I sat in my car crying out. . .

There are many prodigal sons
on our city streets they run
searching for shelter
There are homes broken down
People's hopes have fallen to the ground
From failures

This is an emergency!

There are tears from the saints
For the lost and unsaved
We're crying for them come back home

And all your children will stretch out there hands
and pick up the crippled man
Father, we will lead them home
Father, we will lead them home

There are schools full of hatred
Even churches have forsaken
Love and mercy
May we see this generation
In its state of desperation
For your glory

This is an emergency!

There are tears from the saints
For the lost and unsaved
We're crying for them come back home
And all your children will stretch out there hands
and pick up the crippled man
Father, we will lead them home
Father, we will lead them home

(Leeland - offf "The Sound of Melodies")



Yes, the tears were falling profusely.

That night I had to put it all away and have a smile on my face for Jr. High Alive. Those kids have so much joy and we have a great time worshiping learning and sharing with one another. So it was a fine evening.

But afterwards I broke down and felt the complete insufficiency of myself to fulfill all that I had put on myself. I couldn't stop looking at the depressing 40 hour work week ahead with all the promises to try and share the word with all I could and the need for my time with God, and having to do my taxes, go to the gym, spend time with my family, do chores etc. etc. etc. All the directions my heart was being pulled and my conscience seared, I broke down.

Here I was again fallen and small and quivering.

I had to remember it was not me doing anything, but He prepared our good works before hand that we might walk in them (Ephesians 2:10). That He doesn't need me to do any thing for Him.

"Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"
(Psalms 46:10)

All I need to do is be still. But if I am faithful in the little things, He will give me more. So if I am doing my job to His glory, I will always be busy, but if I forget whose glory and power it is and need a thorn in my side, He'll be faithful to do that too.

I'm not even going to read this to see if it makes sense, I don't remember where I originally intended to go with this 3 weeks ago or 3 minutes ago, but that is my latest conclusion.

Oh yes now I remember, that was the personal conclusion but here is the corporate conclusion. . .

In light of Sunday's sermon, this weekend's debates and our opening up our "home" Easter morning for breakfast, let us have the perspective of those lyrics, let us have compassion on the state of desperation that we ourselves where so helplessly in. Let us be warm to strangers, for we were once alienated from God, but He loved us first that we would love Him.

Blogging, A Blessing

Blogging has been a true blessing. It's hard to not have a family to share all the amazing things God does in our sight daily. But blogging has been a blessed way of sharing, I like sharing.

When I began this blog, I think I really needed to be sharing all that God was pouring into me and work out some of my thoughts as I typed. It was a way of "backing-up files" and trying to remember all that I was learning and going through mentally. I was writing often in the AM hours, because there was no other time to write. But I was convicted as I wrote, as I often am when doing any activity when my own quiet time in God's word is lacking. I felt I should have been talking to God more than I was blogging. I also had a fear: When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent (Pro 10:19). I also wanted to be sure that: So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God (1 Co 10:31). And the only way I would be assured of this would be through the knowledge of the Word.

So I took a forced sabbatical from blogging, and this proved to be a blessing.

I have spent more consistent time in God's word than I ever have before. I finally made it a priority. With this I began journalling my prayers and conversations with God in one place where I also write what I've learned in the word that day. There has been much to record in praise to Him for this last month, as I have seen Him work in great abundance. I'd always told myself, He uses me so much already, how much more fruitful would my ministry be if I was abiding in His word more abundantly. And that insatiable desire for His word that I've always had, and complained about it's unfulfilled-ness, is being fulfilled in the measure He gives, which really is whatever I am willing to take. I think we can actually grow as fast as we want, or don't want to, since He has given us everything pertaining to life and godliness, it all depends on our obedience to Him, which He never fails to richly bless.

(Why do my thoughts always rabbit trail together!)

I now feel like this blog needs to take another direction... a much needed one, although I would love to keep sharing as I have.

I would love to make this a place where I share the stories of the lost, the stories of the struggles, the stories of the Gospel. All for the purpose of encouraging and pleas for prayer to my faithful prayer warriors, which I cannot live without and am eternally, joyfully indebted to and humbled by! May God bless you all 700 fold for sustaining me!

I will be sharing different kinds of posts, things I write to others so that you see that perspective, prayers I've prayed to God for my own memory's sake down the line, and several blurbs and quotes I find very edifying and encouraging and sanctifying.

I wish I could go back in time over the past 6 months and record the culmination of the codification of thoughts of my life's journey to this point as I now can see it in such a blessed light, and all the means by which God brought these blessed conclusions about. But that cannot happen, unless I get some horrible illness that puts me in bed for who knows how long (yes thoughts like these come as I have been feeling pain in my body I have never had before in the last month and increasing in the last few weeks). But even in this may I praise God knowing He is Sovereign and Good.

I will give you the conclusion to my life's journey so far (which no doubt could turn into another hour of blogging because I can already hear the rabbit trails in my head).

The conclusion is this, I never want to complain about another thing in my life again. All those years of comparing my life to everyone around me whether christian or not and not believing that God was giving me good gifts as the Bible promises (I can hardly type it, it sounds so blasphemous knowing God's amazing goodness in salvation alone, which I knew all along... but not in it's fullness as I do now, which we can discuss later) I have repented of, knowing that He was sovereign and used it all fully to bring me to where I am today, for which I wouldn't trade for anything.

This perspective should pull me through every circumstance and every instance of looking at what someone else has that I don't and saying to myself it's not fair, which of course is not true. What is not fair is that I am alive, that I have Christ, that I have breath and that I have eternity. Wow. Just go outside look up at the sky and ponder that for a while.

Getting to glorify God in the ways He's allowed me to is the greatest gift I could have ever asked for.

Kathlene Hetzel, one of my faithful prayer warriors, whom I shared with last Sunday about my pain said maybe it's God's way of slowing you down and I said no I don't want to, to which she replied, I don't want you to either, I like what you're doing, and I said I am sooo blessed by it, and she said, so are we, and I said good, I want you to be! I delight to bless you all with sharing what God is doing (it sounds so weird, but it's just the way it is, that we are blessed to see God working - that's not the weird part). So I desire to be boldly humble in sharing that we together will praise God and labor together in prayer.

Thank you for your prayers past and for your prayers future. May we glory in Him! Soli Deo Gloria! Blessed be the name of the Lord!