Metamorphosis

A caterpillar creates his cocoon, sleeps and emerges as a butterfly.

I spun a web for myself. Though the outside looks as white silk, from the inside all that can be seen is darkness. All I can see inside my heart is the black of sin.

I have no idea who will emerge when I am removed from this season of - I don't even know what to call it. But He promised it would be good. So it shall.

Funny, I remember saying if the longer it takes the better the outcome, then take as long as you want. But today I heard myself say "Get me out of here now!"

Just don't leave me in here Lord!

A Walk

Because Christ was tempted in all things He can sympathize with our every weakness.

So too I who desperately need to learn compassion, am being tempted by every sin again and again and again and again.

Was it Peter who has been described as having been so at the heals of Jesus that if Jesus stopped walking Peter would have run into Him? It was Peter who denied Christ, Peter who was asked by Him "Do you love Me?" three times over and it was Peter who cried "Lord help me in my unbelief!"

He is granting me a closer walk than I could have imagined.

First Peter has always been my favorite book. It brought me comfort and joy through the years of suffering at home, a Christian under pagan rule. It wasn't the harsh "I hate you because you're a Christian" kind. It's been subtle mind games all along. No one could understand what it's like. I often questioned myself who was right. Well it's time to leave everything behind, take up my cross and follow Him.

It's time to make those breaks with the world that reveal your heart and draw you closer to Him.

It's time to fall in love with my first Love again.

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. These things I command you, so that you will love one another. "If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you: 'A servant is not greater than his master.' If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you. If they kept my word, they will also keep yours. But all these things they will do to you on account of my name, because they do not know him who sent me. If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not have been guilty of sin, but now they have no excuse for their sin. Whoever hates me hates my Father also. If I had not done among them the works that no one else did, they would not be guilty of sin, but now they have seen and hated both me and my Father. But the word that is written in their Law must be fulfilled: 'They hated me without a cause.' "But when the Helper comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth, who proceeds from the Father, he will bear witness about me. And you also will bear witness, because you have been with me from the beginning.
-John 15:1-27

Not my will but Yours be done.

And we know that He does all things for good

"Please pray for me, it seems my sin is getting the better of me." (R. age 26)

"I still don't think I'm saved." (J.B. age 22)

"I'm going to do what I want, say what I want and think how I want and no one is ever going to change that." (A.P. age 26)

"Yes, I'm not a virgin anymore." (A.D. age 15)

"Why did God make me disabled?" (N. age 22)

To whom much is given much is required.

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

For we are His workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

for it is God who works in you both to will and to work for His good pleasure.

I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.


I did die after the last blog. He took off the dead branch, the idol, so that a new one that would bear good fruit would take it's place. Apart from Him I can do nothing. The things I seek to do are impossible for me, but for God nothing is impossible.

Add to the quotes that came to my ears, and nearly solely to mine, the CONSTANT battle with my own sin, which feels like a failure at the moment, the desire to pursue holiness, a co-leading role of two ministries, full time work, the call to my own family and all that I am trying and wanting to learn from these things He's prepared for me to walk in, and countless other things.

The only way is to pray, pray and pray some more. Cast my burdens unto Him, for He cares. And see Him work in the timing that brings HIM the most glory! Which will bring me the most joy.

Oh Lord how I need You, Lord how I want You! And this by Your grace alone. Every good thought, every good deed, by YOUR GRACE ALONE! Humble me oh God! I ask it again and again and again, like a beggar! Unite my heart to fear Your name, cause me to walk in righteousness for Your name's sake!
_____________________________

No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you.
-John 15:15-16

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
-2 Corinthians 12:9

Lessons This Week & Last

By the time I finish writing this blog I'll have been awake for 24 hours. I think this is a first. I don't even feel tired or have a headache. Maybe I'm going to die and this is my one last whatever you want to call it, oh we'll use the phrase "call for revival."

It's 5 min to 5am. I've spent the last few hours in prayer and writing and ministry development.

Revival was the word that came up two chapters later in "Mountain Rain," after James Fraser found a wife, age 22, at his age of 42. The woman who brought the revival however was a single woman named Anna Christianson. She preached on sin. The revival came not among unbelievers but believers.

Last week at Table Talk the girls were asked by Mrs. Forsyth what we planned on studying this summer in relation to God i.e. a doctrine or a book etc. That caught me off guard at first, but I quickly had an answer. I forget how I phrased it, but it had been phrased by others before and since then, so I will borrow their words, and add to them now. I want to get grounded in delighting myself in God, making Him my satisfaction and one desire. I want my affections for Christ to grow, I really have always sensed that I don't have a picture of the beauty of Christ, if I haven't said it before in this blog I've said it elsewhere. I really want to see Him as beautiful. I had read Philippians about three times in the course of one week. I wanted to make that the book of my study this summer and finally read John Piper's "Desiring God" (bought it 4 years ago, the first book recommended to me when I came to FBC). Since then I have decided to add the study of Hebrews, the greatest picture of the supremacy of Christ. Thankfully I don't have to go it alone, I have my blessed Pastor's sermons on the book to be my guide.

It has been another tough couple of weeks. I was not delighting myself in God and my idol crept up on me again and brought me to ruin. But through that weakness once again God was strong, and He kept right on using me anyway, man He's good!

This Monday I had a meeting with Pastor Jim & Janet Wine. I got to share with them some of the things I've been struggling through theologically and their reply was "looks like your struggling with the right things." That's what Christine always tells me! So frustrating, you want an answer, but it feels like there isn't one. Well there is, we just often don't listen to ourselves even when trying to preach it to ourselves, my friend said that's just the way God designed it - we are constantly telling each other what we already know, after all even Paul said, "To write the same things to you is no trouble to me and is safe for you." -Philippians 3:1 and Pastor Dave did say something to the effect everything doesn't stay at the forefront of our minds. So that has really frustrated me over and over again throughout this blog because I still remember the great joy I had at the start of the year and I want it back. But in the words of another pastor "I am a retarded worm!" because I am really losing sight of it too quickly, this is not maturity.

As I God was teaching me again about my weakness = His strength perfect & His glory shown, Pastor Wine shared that God will never allow a strong believer who doesn't struggle with sin, He will however allow a mature believer who learns to quickly repent of their sin and go forward with joy. Okay that makes total sense.

The past two week have been an amazing circle of preaching and being preached to all the same lessons with multiple people. Oh my gosh! It's been crazy! Ministering and being ministered to by the same people. I think with maturity too comes more of the ability to hear the truth from ourselves.

(The sun is rising and it's officially 24 hours, may this blog show His glories! I know this blog is haphazard, the lessons just came that way through the struggle and meditations. Lord please help me do justice to the telling of Your great power at work in this sinner!)

As I felt a strong discontentment with life the past two weeks (so idiotic) I meditated on Paul's confession "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need." -Philippians 4:11-12. My Holy Spirit led (I hope) exegesis on this verse was that Paul must have learned to glorify God in every situation, would He have been content with anything else? I think not. Shall I be content with anything else?

I realized that by my discontented-ness in where God had me, I was not seeking His glory. I was not trusting Him. I was still wanting my desires, not His, which is His glory, that is my exegesis on Psalm 37:4. Man, I know that is the Holy Spirit, it makes so much sense. If I am delighting myself in the Lord, He makes my desires into what His are, that is His glory and that means that He will give me that. Meaning, again, that He can be glorified and is to be glorified wherever He has placed me at any given time on any given day in any given circumstance. Do I want His glory? Yes. Do I sometimes think my desires are what He wants for me? Yes. But He says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:8-9. I should be confident only that His revealed will and sovereign-ly laid out past and present plan are for His glory and I should and can confidently delight in seeking to make the most of Him in that for His glory.

So I was tortured by not having my fleshly desires (it has to be said, because my spirit's desires would be His glory) met and then tortured to the realization that I was not seeking God's glory! Ugh! It was horrible, heart wrenching, but oh my gosh! Praise God! It was more heart wrenching to realize that in all this I wasn't seeking God's glory than not having my desires met. And then I realized I wasn't delighting in God enough. And so I realized I had built up false idols.

This the cycle, this the constant battle. It's everywhere in the scriptures. Even Hebrews warns of the being hardened by sin's deceitfulness and falling.

So my joy was gone for a while and only came and went on occasion, but it must have been false joy, not joy from full satisfaction in God. I said to my friends a few days ago "I read my bible and got something out of it, not like I just checked it off the list, I have prayed and begged for repentance and joy. I don't know what else to do." That was the problem I realized yesterday as I was still holding on to this grief,nd as I was admonished in a sermon again of what I had already known, that my lack of joy was a trust in God, and what a young believer had amazingly reminded me of, that whatever it is it works to His glory and my good. I was really convicted of this lack of joy being my lack of trust in God. But again, that is my weakness, and I am to turn and repent of it. But I was still holding onto it in my heart, so then I realized I was trying to turn this into some work I have to do, or I was waiting for some huge brokenness to take place or I don't know what. But I was holding on. So I realized I have put it in God's hands I need to just forget about it and go on and let God take care of it. But then I don't want to not take care of it if it's still there. So what do I do? Wait upon the Lord and cry out again and again. Humble myself before Him and He will give me grace. I will just rejoice in my weakness that His power may be perfected and He will receive all the glory! I will have joy, and if it's fake, He'll reveal that to me too.

Grace He does dispense, for where sin abounds all the more grace abounds all the more. But I will not continue in this sin. I will fight, ask Him for wisdom and rebuke myself.

While others in this present world suffer physical sufferings like Paul did:

Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort. For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many. For our boast is this, the testimony of our conscience, that we behaved in the world with simplicity and godly sincerity, not by earthly wisdom but by the grace of God, and supremely so toward you. For we are not writing to you anything other than what you read and acknowledge and I hope you will fully acknowledge-- just as you did partially acknowledge us--that on the day of our Lord Jesus you will boast of us as we will boast of you. Because I was sure of this, I wanted to come to you first, so that you might have a second experience of grace. I wanted to visit you on my way to Macedonia, and to come back to you from Macedonia and have you send me on my way to Judea. Was I vacillating when I wanted to do this? Do I make my plans according to the flesh, ready to say "Yes, yes" and "No, no" at the same time? As surely as God is faithful, our word to you has not been Yes and No. For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, whom we proclaimed among you, Silvanus and Timothy and I, was not Yes and No, but in him it is always Yes. For all the promises of God find their Yes in him. That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory. And it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and who has also put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee. But I call God to witness against me--it was to spare you that I refrained from coming again to Corinth. Not that we lord it over your faith, but we work with you for your joy, for you stand firm in your faith.
-2 Corinthians 1:2-24

I may suffer self infliction for my sins. But as my friend said, I guess that is just the way He designed it. Indeed I think, for if it is Christ's own suffering that we share in, did he not suffer the agony of sin crying out "My God my God why have you forsaken me?" To which I cry "for me Lord Jesus for me!" And He afterword He cried "It is finished!"

Greater love has no man than this than that He lay down His life for His friends. And yet we were His enemies.

As He faithfully grows me to maturity, I trust in Him alone for this, for obviously I would never ever attain it myself, I too will cry out "It is finished!" For surly as the sun rises He is RISEN! HE IS RISEN INDEED!

Amazing Grace amazing God. I still can't believe that one day I will hear the words "Well done though good and faithful servant." May I never think that I have attained that.

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 3:12-14

I want to grow in this- that I would every day, after confession forget what lies behind and press on toward the goal of the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. For I want to lay down my life with exceedingly great joy for my friends that they may know we are Christians by our love. If I stay stuck, sinfully, on my sin, not trusting God at the foundation of my salvation, that it is finished, I will never move forward in the new life. This is the key to joy, the gospel. CJ Mahaney and Jeff Purswell spoke so clearly to this. The temptation to dwell on sin and lose my joy will come and in many other forms will come the fight for joy especially when in ministry. They also said that Philippians is the place to go biblicaly. Coincidence? I think not!

So God has provided many answers in the lessons this week, much faithfulness through my sin, much of Him showing His glory and power in the believer's life.

Something else I don't want to forget. I felt at times as though I was letting go of God, lies came into my head. I learned to rebuke them and continually reminded myself that I am not held by my own power, ever, never ever, but it is He that holds onto me. I know others have and will confess this to me, so I will remember this time and tell them as long as they hold to their confession God will hold onto them.

"Prone to wander Lord I FEEL it, prone to leave the GOD I LOVE! Hear is my heart Lord take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above."

Lord if you are teaching me a joy not based on circumstances, bring it; Lord if you are showing me my weakness, show it; Lord if You are being glorified, show me! Show us!

I almost forgot. On that Monday meeting as I was talking to Pastor Jim & Janet Wine, and getting to talk for what seemed like the first time some things that were on my heart about where God had been leading my desires in ministry within FBC, he said "you're talking revival." Um yeah. . . that's what he said. I am talking revival! No complacency among us American believers! To whom much is given much is required! We need to lay down our lives like Christ! Die to ourselves moment by moment, oh geese I am preaching to myself again. In all seriousness we have it so easy, we could lay down 1/2 of ourselves and still be in the lap of luxury by comparison! Enough of my soap box. God is gracious to us.

Officially 25 1/2 hours awake. No time to sleep now, got to finish up some work and get ready and go to church to prep for tomorrow and then . . . what's that scripture that says don't let your left hand know what your right is doing. . . is that a scripture, someone told it to me, not sure, doesn't sound too good. . .

I'll edit this later, it's probably a mess! :)

Mountain Rain

In an effort to finish every book I didn't, I picked up Mountain Rain to continue my journey with James O. Fraser into the mountains of China.

Um. . . I am speechless as to how to introduce what God did. Basically the next person that tells me God doesn't exist, I am going to start laughing.

Before I share with you where I had left off and providentially picked up in the reading of this book yesterday during lunch, which I quickly had to stop, for my awe of God interrupted me, and then return to work attempting to get my mind back on work, let me share this. . .

Reading through this man's biography always left me dumbfounded as to how incredibly clearly and beautifully God was revealing to him theology and doctrine through his experience on the mission field. As I read I heard him, unconsciously, through his prayers and meditations coming to the theological and doctrinal conclusions I had been taught for years. I remember Pastor Art saying once that much of theology has been formulated on the mission field. Surely I saw that in this book. Maybe it has to do with the fact that you are hard pressed everyday to live by faith and continually trust in God through all the trials that are faced in missionary life, and at the end come to the conclusion that what the Bible said was true because you lived it out which brought about a greater reverence, worship and affection for God beyond the intellectual understanding.

I think it is then that our true colors are shown, through the trial and the circumstance will we do as we say? Will we trust God and not lean on our own understanding, love Him with all our heart mind soul and strength, walk by faith and not by sight and take up our cross and follow Him?

This is where I picked up yesterday, after months of not reading this book. . .

A bitter blow waited for him in Shanghai. Mission leaders planned to send him to north China for the next few years. Problems had arisen in Kansu, and they wanted James' assistance there.

It was one of the greatesT disappointments he had ever faced. Not that the decision was reached without a consultation. There simply wasn't anyone else to send. Besides, it would be good experience for James if he was to be drawn into the administrative side of the CIM.

"I can't say I''m willing, Lord, but I'm willing to be made willing," prayed F.B. Meyer. James knew the barrenness of obeying reluctantly. Recognition that God's will was "perfect and acceptable" would be costly, but it was always fruitful, in his experioence. He cast his mind back to the many disappointments he'd had in his plans for southwest Yunnan.

There was the time Allyn Cooke, all ready and trained to join James in tribes work - a colleague at last - was sent to the Chinese city of of Tali [instead].

"I was disappointed too," Allyn admits. "I stayed in Tali rebelliously for some months until I confessed my bitterness to God on my knees and asked Him to make me useful to Him in Tali. The very same day a letter came from HQ releasing me for the tribes."
So James made a painful change of course and set his face towards the cast plains and forbidding heights of Kansu. Determined to set his sails for the blessing of God, he learned to love the new province, but he was never able to forget how much it cost him. "Yunnan was my first love, my Rachel," he said, "but Kansu became my Leah."

I remember a few weeks back, as I was trying to dig out the idol of self that was keeping me from being a servant to my family, saying to myself "set your face like flint."

For the joy set before Him, He endured the cross.

At the outset of this blog, surly God was revealing more of Himself to me, it felt clear as day.

I can say that life has been my school master, as far as I can see it through the Scriptures.

The more and more I talk to people the more I come to find out all of us sheep need to be taught the same lessons and every day of life we are being taught in our own circumstances and are being tested to live out our faith, even in the smallest of things. I found this with Jessica Anderson, the lessons she learned while in her fist year at Master's, the place I dreamed of attending for 6 years, with Jessica Bunting in Virginia, whose life makes mine look like heaven on earth, Christine Ottrando, who had already gone through very similar things in years past as I had been through or was going through and many many others.

Apparently we learn mostly through trial and testing.

James said this a little later. . .

You arrive at the end of the day cold, hungry and tired, not to find a nice clean room waiting for you, a warm bath, a warm fire, a smile of welcome and a nice meal! No, you splash along the slushy streets from dismal inn to dismal inn. . . and you get suspicious stares. Finally you practically force your way into an inn. It is pick dark; the floor is a mess; there is no furniture but a mud platform, no light, no warmth. . . . You and your muleteer make a meal of plain boiled rice.

But next morning you get out again into your blue skies and snow mountains and forget all your previous night's troubles.

I must say that during the months that followed the first blog entry here, in the words of Relient K "the skies had never looked so clear." I found myself completely in awe & joy, daily, with the gorgeous skies the Lord painted each and every day, amazingly unique and new. It was after the rain that these came, and I always thought to myself time and time again, "who could possibly complain about the rain when we knew this was the outcome."

After I found victory in Jesus after "I wish" I thought "that would be worth it again to find this kind of joy." Until the next week when I was there again, it was much tougher to think.

I don't want to forget a single struggle, long or short lived. I want it to always remind me what a great sinner I am and what an infinitely loving, gracious and patient God we have, and to remember that when a brother is struggling that I struggle too, and am to show the same as God has shown me, for he who is forgiven little forgives little and he who is forgiven much forgives much. May I always forgive much, for surely I have been forgiven much.

One last thing. . .

After finding that it was still hurting and not broken yet, before I talked to Jessica, I confessed in tears to someone that Sunday night, who asked "what is wrong?" that I was rebelling against God's will and wickedly saying to Him "I want that blessing, not this blessing." She quickly encouraged me and said, "I know you know this is true, there is joy in obeying the Lord." I stopped and said, "I really needed to hear that." I had forgotten. I had put myself in God's place and said I know what I need. I really needed to hear those words, I hadn't heard them, or perhaps listened, to them in a long time. There is joy in doing the Lord's will.

Perfect place for this song. (I haven't had the stamina all along this blog to share the blessed lyrics that so encourage me so often, that you too may be encouraged, because I have to type them all out, no copying and pasting off the internet, but this one is worth the time, they all are, but here goes.)

Don't You Know
by Watermark
(Sung from God's perspective - if that is the right way to put it)

I have hidden you
I have set you apart
And saved the best for Me
Saved the best for Me

I love you that much that I would
Hold the things that you think you want
And I'll give you the things that you really need

Well don't you know that I know you?
Don't you know I know where you are?
And all of Heaven sings over you
Because of the depths of My love

I love you with a love that you cannot think of, no
I Am near you even though you feel far away, far away

I've rescued you and carried you and caused your world to stop
Just so I could hear you say that you love Me too

Well don't you know that I know you?
Don't you know I know where you are?
And all of Heaven sings over you
Because of the depths of My love

All of Heaven sings over you
All of Heaven sings over you

I've rescued you and carried you and caused your world to stop
Just so I could hear you say that you love Me too

Well don't you know that I know you?
Don't you know I know where you are?
And all of Heaven sings over you
Because of the depths of My love

Well don't you know that I know you?
Don't you know I know where you are?
And all of Heaven sings over you
Because of the depths of My love
Because of the depths of My love

Yes God is that GOOD! AMEN?!

Again?! Yes!

"Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers."
-Luke 22:31-32

So after another battle yesterday, well not so much "after," I had the opportunity to see my life long best friend. Her brother was playing at a singer/song writer showcase in the town where I live, so I thought it would be a great opportunity to see her again. As I sat with these Christians and listened to a couple of them sing songs, God ever graciously reminded me of the gracious rare gift He's given me, a truth telling Bible church and a blessed faithful family in Christ on fire for Him.

After he played, at 10pm on a Saturday night, after a 6th day of work, I was persuaded to go hang out with them. This proved to be profitable. My best friend and I got some alone time. We talked until 1AM. She said to me, I've never felt so far from God, and I know He's right there and it's just me. She said, I know this is going to sound crazy, but I feel like Satan is right there attacking me. I said nope that does not sound crazy. Yes, I got to encourage her with what I've been going through and learned.

___________________________________

I know Satan worked to get my eyes on myself these past few weeks. I knew it was sinful and unprofitable, knowing full well the struggles of others, more perilous than mine. A new believer struggling to keep from falling back into the old life, a little sister stressed with high school life, a sister in Christ suffering great physical ailments, and many others.

I don't want to keep my eyes on myself for that long again. This is this weeks conclusion from the battle. . . I want to grow in mental strength. That's where the fight is, to argue with ourselves, with the truth of the word just as Jesus Christ did with Satan. The truth that came to mind to pull me out this time was the hope that God will change me. Indeed He is faithful, and will. I want to put all my trust in that. I don't want to suffer with the fight for joy as often as I do now. I trust God will help, only He can! He promised to too. Hooray!
___________________________________

So yesterday coming home from working for my mom and dad (before going to the show) when I couldn't hold back the tears to hide them from my parents, I said okay just walk in, it's okay, the tears are real, you don't have to be afraid to show them.

Oh, God is awesome, so awesome. I'll continue. . .

My parents were on there way out with friends, but my dad followed me back into the house and asked what was wrong and said I could talk to him and that it made him sad I was sad. I said I know, and that it would pass, I was just sad.

I don't think they'd seen me cry in a long time. It used to be a regular habit.

Well tonight at dinner with just my mom and dad we started on the gospel again.

Emily, it was totally providential that you gave me that Spanish Bible this afternoon. And that I got the Romans road in Sunday School that morning. After trying to answer his many questions, asking him the 4 world view questions, and trying to pull out scripture from memory to apply to what he was saying, which was so hard, I pulled out the Roman's road and Spanish Bible and started reading though it. Well he is still quite blind. My mom saw that. He asks question after question after question, and I never feel like I really answered one or like he payed attention to the answer before asking another. He finally wanted to hit home and said let's take you for example. He asked if I thought I was making my own form of God in my conscience when I would spend more time with my church friends at the neglect of my own family. Because I had made an example of man seeking after a god according to their own standards, like a god who is okay with divorce or greed etc. So he asked if I consciously thought that God was okay with me neglecting my family to be with other believers. I said no, God had shown me I was in sin and being disobedient and rebellious to what His will actually was and that I'd been asking forgiveness for it and that He promises to change me. He said okay I see, or something and then my mom chimed in. She said "It's like Ofelia used to tell me 'why do you think you're so sinful? We're not sinful.' But I know God's word says we're all sinners and I am sinful and when you see her (Jennifer) crying it's because she is sorry about her sin." She said more good stuff too. I almost started crying right then! That was so the Holy Spirit talking, and it was such a blessed thing to hear my mom say those things.

God is truly abundantly gracious to man. Patient, long suffering. He is definitely showing He is love. I have no promise that my dad will come to know a saving faith in God. But it seems like it's going to be a slow process breaking down each barrier. Well as long as he's alive, God is giving un-deserved second chances with every passing second. God is gracious. I will seek to be obedient, and fall on my face for grace with-in and with-out of obedience.

Tonight my dad did confess his own sinfulness, he said everyday I know I am a sinner. Good, we're making progress.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
-Philippians 1:6

Working in and Through Me

Did I forget to mention that yesterday I spoke with a friend in Virginia who was sharing with me her current and continued struggle with not being sure if she was saved, because she doesn't always hate her sin and doesn't always desire God. And how she wasn't sure what church to go to because a good one is too far away from her, but the nearby ones are poor doctrinally and confussing to her. And how she doesn't know if she should stay living with her parents or move out. And she feels like she is being a bad testimony and turning into her mom. Um. . .

Was I able to encourage her, because I was and have struggled with the same things, and been reminded over and over again of God's faithfulness over the last 9 1/2 years! YES! I guess He is making me usable during this process and graciously using me continually.

Applying the Scriptures

and wiser peoples thoughts to the recent entries in this blog.

I have been listening to John MacArthur's sermons on Jesus' sermon on the mount, the beatitudes. He calls each "Happy are the. . ." No I never studied these before. Read through them, but never studied. Here lay all the answers. They come at a providential time don't they?

Besides giving me great comfort through reminding me last week (exactly when I needed it) that my tears of brokenness are the blessed tears of the poor in spirit & the mournful, yesterday it gave me great comfort with the new tears I am experiencing over every little outburst of anger or mistake that I make, is my thirsting for righteousness. He said Paul and Moses and Peter longed to see more and more and more of God's greatness. I want more of God's greatness displayed through my life. Oh my gosh, or as the new phase I am going to initiate says, oh His goodness! As I wrote those words (I want more of God's greatness displayed through my life) I felt like I wanted to still be in a lowly state. It's a both and. His righteousness, His righteousness is displayed in my life and I will turn the glory to Him with my mouth, and proclaim I am a sinner saved by grace that God would work in me to display His glory. Okay that makes sense. Thank you Lord. I'm back to normal now.

The two reasons this all came to a head will now be told (yes this blog wasn't originally intended to go this way, but it's necessary, I must keep record of it for myself to recall His miracluous gracious patients with me and faithfulness to Himself, wow, His chosen love made Him willingly bound to be faithful to keep His promise to continue the good work in me until the day of Jesus Christ). It really started with John MacArthur's preaching on God's call to man for obedience. I was taught heavily sided on God's sovereignty. My deceitful heart made some bad doctrine, but no one would have known. God granted me a servants heart and I was obedient in church, only in church. Now I struggle through finding this "balance" - if we want to call it that. One struggle at a time please. Thank you.

One
So this is something I have been much to ashamed to share, well I haven't always been too ashamed. Shame is good when it comes to sin and by His grace it finally got to the place where it was too much. For 24 years and 10 months (that's how long I've been alive) I have been habitually late. No matter how huge the occasion, how great the need I be there on time, how necessary for me to keep my job or graduate from High School, this pattern of non-discipline had been unbroken. Yes there were times of victory, but only temporary. I was never really ashamed of it. People said it is disrespectful, but I never felt that way in my heart, decietful, I really thought more of myself then them, didn't I? I was upset about it with myself. I did however realize I really thought highly of someone when I really tried and actually made it on time to meet with them, Laura Forsyth. Until they showed me grace and then I took it and ran with it. I have always been shown grace, and I mean always. Never have the consequences been dire, or they just never bothered me enough. Ugh this is horrible to write about. Yes this pattern came from my upbringing, but there is no excuse, James 4:17 "So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin." I don't even want to continue writing about this, I was really gung ho about it too (is that how you spell that?). Okay I'll keep going. By God's grace everything has always been okay, but now it wasn't. My current job is much more strict and gracious. They warned me repeatedly, so now my job was on the line and my testimony. One of my bosses actually said to me "It's not true to who you are." Gracious words. God finally broke me of my rebellious heart. Something has finally clicked in my mind and I just am different. I always knew it was a matter of the will, I always knew that, always. People would say get to bed early, get up earlier, set the alarm clock across the room etc. I always knew that none of that mattered, and I would tell them, even if I got 2 hours of sleep or 10 I could get up if I wanted to. He graciously changed my will, transformed my mind. Oh my gosh, that reveals it, the sinful rebellious heart of man. Only God can grant repentance or we would stay in our sin forever. Stupid lamb. It caused me so much stress and heart ache. It was horrible and still I would not change! God is merciful.

The weekend when this change occurred was really interesting.
That week I had been thinking about repentance being instant and how everything is left at the cross and we just need to move forward. A clear picture that came to mind goes like this (a blog I never wrote):

The thing I always loved about school was getting to start fresh every year and even every semester. You always knew that whether you finished well or not, it was over, you got a fresh start with the expectation to do better and you never had to look back. Oh to have that good and true perspective about the Christian life every day, with His mercies being knew every morning!

[Interject more thoughts I've been trying to work through: Though it is hard to leave it like that afraid I haven't truly repented of sin. We'll come back to that, as I realize this story holds part of the answer.]

It was Friday of this particularly difficult week, sinfully not as productive as I should have been, and had not been there on time. At 5pm however, I declared to the Lord, "That was all sinful, forgive me. Next week is a new week." And put it behind me, I really did, and received joy, even though I had been crying about it all that week. I started reading Lamentations that night out of curiosity. Saturday was off to a productive and joyful start, I finished reading Lamentations. It really harmonized with me. I was shocked to find there these words:

"The LORD is in the right, for I have rebelled against his word;
"Look, O LORD, for I am in distress; my stomach churns; my heart is wrung within me, because I have been very rebellious.
"Their heart cried to the Lord. O wall of the daughter of Zion, let tears stream down like a torrent day and night! Give yourself no rest, your eyes no respite!
"Arise, cry out in the night, at the beginning of the night watches! Pour out your heart like water before the presence of the Lord!
"The joy of our hearts has ceased; our dancing has been turned to mourning.
"But you, O LORD, reign forever; your throne endures to all generations.
"Restore us to yourself, O LORD, that we may be restored! Renew our days as of old-- unless you have utterly rejected us, and you remain exceedingly angry with us.

Wow. A true picture of repentance. By nightfall Saturday, which carried onto Sunday I was distraught again. Don't remember what brought it about, probably doesn't need to be written here. By nightfall I decided to set my face like flint, carry my cross and do what it took, with His grace, to get to work on time, to set my job rightfully as the priority, the call God had given me. He granted victory! He grants it still. I still have a long way to go. Have to stop letting circumstance get in the way of getting to church on time, and everywhere else.

So now in my workplace He has renewed my joy and contentment, given me a testimony of His grace and mercy, my sin, me the sinner, saved and changed by His grace. That Friday I boldly shared the gospel with my co-worker. It was glorious, no she didn't repent, but it was glorious. God is working. God is working. Gracious Merciful God!

Before I go to Two. . .

My friend said to me yesterday, as I had been in tears over my sins again, really real tears over specific sin, "I wish you could see how God is using you, how you showed the love of Christ tonight. I wish I was as conscience and broken over my sin as you. I see God is preparing to use you for great things." I told her I still saw all the greatness of my sins when I am at home (I am presently reminded of the feeling I used to have when I was first a Christian, at home, feeling like it was never enough, now I remember what I am feeling now is what I felt then and they always only chose to see the bad). I told her not to ask God to do that because it really hurts, and I said to her that I wasn't sure it was that good to be so broken all the time about sin, because I was feeling like I wasn't then showing the righteousness of God and the joy that would cause them to question us of our hope. But now I see clearly again, the hope we have is shown in our trusting God took care of our sin problem and our joy comes from that. It's just that in the moment of harsh brokenness, especially when it seems to come in constant wave that takes you up and down, up and down, often within the same day, it's hard to remember. I don't want to struggle with it again, but I know I will. There is always knew levels of brokenness and sorrows to discover, because there is an infinite level of grace to discover. It's glorious. I don't want to miss it. I am going to see what John Piper has to say about it. He probably makes it simple and as spectacular as it truly is.

I used to always pray for my faith to be tested, in evident ways like persecution so I could rejoice at being counted worthy of being persecuted for the name of Christ (is that how it goes?). But I indeed lived feeling like everyday was a trial, and hope to still see it that way. Indeed our faith is being tested with this economy. Will we fall into the temptation to worry when He clearly told us not to because He would provide, if we sought first Him and His kingdom, which we do by His amazing grace!? In times of waiting will we fall into the temptation to believe the lie that God is not good and doesn't know what is best for us? In everyday will I have faith to believe that God is totally Sovereign over every little thing, every little thing, that happens? Will I look at it that way and then respond with that awareness, which is a glorious thing! I have been tried in these three and failed lately. I remember having this perspective when I was younger. I think now I feel more responsibility and like there is not a safety net like before, but that is not true. Yes, He has brought more responsibility to me with age, but my safety net is always Him and He doesn't change.

Let's move on.

Two
The new found relationships within my family. The new found, well not so new found, realization that family is first , probably what is new found is obedience to it. It's really changed a lot over the years. Where we are now is a far cry from where we were. God has been most gracious and merciful. Man I see it, His glory, for yes indeed, the place my testimony was bleakest, He has worked abundantly in. My sister is newly saved, with-in the past year she suspects, but wow the change in her has been so very clear and evident. So much to glorify God about in the telling of that story. He actually gave me someone to come home to, someone to talk to and share with and come to for comfort when I needed it. But boy if that saying is true, that you hurt those you love the most, we really love eachother the most. :) But then again I have always known that. I always told the Lord I would gladly lay down my life for her.
My mom is ever amazingly graced by God. Her salvation is questioned by my little sister. But surly God's grace and mercy is poured out abundantly on her. She gets up the earliest and makes my little sister breakfast and lunch, starts cleaning up after everyone else rushes off in the morning, gets ready for work, works all day at the bakery for my dad, comes home and keeps going until her head hits the pillow no ealier than 10, more often 11 and sometimes 12. And I tell you by my testimony, she does it all with joy and love. I am amazed as I write this. Oh Lord that I would be like her one day!
My dad, we won't speak about his past sins, that still linger but in much, much, much smaller quantity, has changed so so so so much. I know God has answered the prayers of the faithful saints of Foothill Bible Church. Blessed are those who show mercy for they shall receive mercy. John MacArthur said the most merciful thing one could do is intercede for the lost. Blessings upon you! Foothill Bible Church really impressed me when I first came there by there devotion to pray. It says a lot about it's living what they believe. My father is not saved yet, although he really has had a different countenance this week, it's been strange. Don't know what is up yet. And when I shared the gospel Tuesday he agreed with everything. That was strange and he kept staring at me. He also saw Fireproof yesterday! So he definitely heard the gospel again. And he did come to my room and say goodnight and I love you tonight. Hum. . . The day that the gospel was shared with him providentially by three different men (after Jackie's baptism), was both glorious and painful for me as all my life's testimony before them was put on display (ouch, ouch). I really didn't want to talk about it was too much. But it was so good. So good. Repentance bring healing, and before repentance comes acknowledgment of sin. It was something like that that day. It was so overwhelming. But I did receive this confirmation from both my mom and dad that day, when they both said to the others "she's changed." PRAISE GLORY AND HONOR BE TO GOD! I attribute this work, of having love and compassion and servant mindedness at home to the living out of the teaching, by the elders, at Foothill Bible Church. Their example sanctified me. It was a rough start at FBC, trying to "fit-in" with my peers, but they showed me grace, much much grace, and God really worked in my life through that. I have seen love like never before and understood Christ like never before, although sitting here, I honestly still feel like I don't know Christ at all. His beauty is so great, I feel like I have touched the tip of infinity, actually that sounds like too much, the tip of infinity is a lot. . . um actually, un-intentionally that makes a lot of sense. . . I have touched the tip of His infinite beauty and it swallowed me whole! I want more! God so graciously caused me to finally take this love into my home. It's really just been my own sanctification in front of their eyes, hasn't it? There it is again that glorious truth, me sinner, Jesus Savior, me repent, Jesus grow. :) So I can rest can't I?

Okay why One and Two brought about this, what felt like calamity, the past few days. I felt like I had to be perfect now! Why? Satan, did you put that in my head? I don't know anymore for it all seems clear now. Praise God for blogging! Too strange to feel so off one day, sinful for blogging and be able to get on and God work me through my thoughts and bring the true gospel to bear! WOW! God is glorious!

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.
-Romans 12:1-3

I broke the rules tonight (it's 3AM, but I'm thinking we may get off work early due to the holiday weekend and I'll allow myself to enjoy a delicious cup of French Vanilla coffee in the morning), but it proved right and necessary. Praise God!

Anything else? Oh yeah, I never shared how amazing the Sunday after that Friday, of leaving putting it behind me, was. Now I remember. It was Mother's day. I was in total rebellion of the Lords will, bitter too. Satan and my own desires tempted, I fell. My opportunity to speak with my unsaved extended family, and my opportunity to enjoy my family was destroyed by my sinful heart. It happened Easter Sunday too, these are the bookends to Satan's attacks, who doesn't want to see me proclaim the glories of God among them. Well that wasn't so amazing, what was amazing was how when I needed the gospel most applied to me, God provided it in the most glorious way. I watched Fireproof with Jackie that night and oh His goodness! He allowed me to apply the gospel to all my sin as it was presented there, I made application to my own sins so greatly! It was glorious, completely glorious! I never want to forget. The best biblical counselors do this, they know how to apply the gospel to every problem, because no problem is apart from sin, and no solution to sin is apart from the blood of Christ!

Lord teach me to apply the gospel to my self inflicted wounds and that I may too help my brothers and sisters apply Your glorious work on the cross to their lives daily. Teach us your way O, Lord, unite our hearts to fear Your Name, cause us to walk in righteousness for Your Name's sake O, Lord!

Hope Ave. - Insight into this obscure ministry

A letter of encouragement I wrote to my fellow laborers. It really encouraged me as I the Lord opened my eyes and lead me to make sense of this ministry. Please pray with us and for us! Thank you.


March 4, 2009

Dear Faithful Hope Ave. Servants of the Lord Jesus Christ,
I want to encourage you and let you know that what you do goes beyond Saturday. You are building a much needed bridge for people to come from a very different place and be welcomed at a place where they will hear the word of God and be amongst believers. The relationships that I and others have been able to build in the neighborhood are because of your faithfulness week in and week out; these relationships take time to build and have already led to many gospel conversations! A lot of kids have been less faithful in coming to church this year, but others are becoming newly interested and some are getting more involved and growing more. Praise the Lord! I would love to see us become bolder with the gospel and take initiative to start one-on-one conversations. I love the verse in Matthew that says “many are called, but few are chosen.” It reminds me I am doing the right thing every time I share the gospel, even though 9 times out of 10 (or more) it might fall on rocky soil, because it will be so worth it to find that one that is chosen. I know that this ministry doesn’t seem to have a clear direction at this time, but as I think more about it, well first of all we have no idea what God is doing or will do, but I think it’s a great thing to be faithful to this because we know He called us to be here and He does have a plan. I am reminded of the missionary’s (or someone’s) words: Expect great things from God and attempt great things for God. We may not see this as a great thing, but another missionary once said: a little thing is a little thing but faithfulness in a little thing is a great thing. So please be encouraged. I hope that you are rejoicing that God is using you in such a tangible way.

Here are some things we can be praying for:
1. Boldness with the Gospel (the only thing with the power to save)
And now, Lord, look upon their threats and grant to your servants to continue to speak your word with all boldness, -Acts 4:29
And when they had prayed, the place in which they were gathered together was shaken, and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and continued to speak the word of God with boldness.
-Acts 4:31
proclaiming the kingdom of God and teaching about the Lord Jesus Christ with all boldness and without hindrance.
-Acts 28:31
2. That the Lord would raise up more workers, in particular a Leader
And he said to them, "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.
-Luke 10:2
3. For Wisdom
And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God.
-Colossians 1:9-10
4. For the Lost
5. For ourselves to continue to be servant minded.
6. For a greater faith to Expect Great things from God! For HIS OWN GLORY!

With this I say a huge THANK YOU! for serving our Lord Jesus Christ here.

In the Love of Christ, Serving our loving merciful Savior with you,
Jennifer Perez

Reveal the Wicked ways in me O, Lord

This I prayed. This He revealed. Where? In my home, the place where God has shown me the most abundant compassion, patients, grace and mercy. I need to be sanctified and His means is always through the place we are. Thankfully, not my will but His is always done. God is faithful.

I spent much of my evenings this week at home. I even got to share the gospel with my dad again on Tuesday night. Something quickly robbed my joy in that though. It hasn't been an easy week, although work has been dramatically better! Praise and thanks be to God for that!

Forgive me Lord for I hear my hearts dissatisfaction right now. Bless the Lord o my soul and forget non of His benefits.

The Lord has really been gracious to my family. He has been so very merciful and patient with me. Relationships have been greatly healed through much repentance and forgiveness and grace.
What should my response be? God is merciful to me the sinner! Rejoice Jennifer, rejoice!

Yes God is sovereign even over my sin! My sin is still my own transgression before God, but that doesn't stop Him from ever accomplishing His will! What is causing me to have to learn this glorious truth again? What is going on here?

I have been so distraught over the fact that my sin at work and home was not bringing God glory and it has been killing me! So then I feel the pressure of being perfect before unbelievers, which is a total lie!

So this is where the struggle is. I know I'm not going to be perfect even though I am called to be. That is why Christ came and saved my while I yet sin and made me perfect while I yet sin and dwells within me while I yet sin.


Lessons Late in Life

Blessings come with obedience. Namely joy. John 15:10-11

Sin comes with consequences.

Why do we laugh at ourselves? Because we do stupid things and it's not insulting to each other to laugh along, it actually bring much needed joy to get through in this fallen world.

Life was never meant to be this hard. We plunged ourselves and this world into sin that would make it so. So we have compassion on each other and ourselves. When we state the fact that it is hot, yeah it is, and that is not necessarily a complaint.

We don't show compassion for sin, but the sinner. Hate the sin, not the sinner.

Accusations harden the heart, questions prick the conscience.

My opinion is not needed or desired unless first asked for.



But yes I had a fallen yet, sovereignly ordained upbringing that would not tend to beginning to learn these lessons until now. And really only I am to blame, I have a rebellious and deceitful heart and God is merciful to me the chief of sinners.

I'm sorry this blog has been so depressing lately, and self centered. I am not content to miss out writing about the good stuff. God has granted some great victories, truly great victories. I need to be patient with this process. Patient with the waiting for my dad's salvation. Patient with finding the balance between saying no and saying yes to time with family, time with the brethren and time in ministry. For many that all gets rolled into one. They are very blessed, but so am I. I shall not take Satan's temptation to be bitter over such things, for I know that God is doing great things in me. I have fought this temptation I once so habitually fell into, for quite a while. I will seek to resist. I must rejoice again in God's great work, both through me and apart from me. I shall not let my spiritual pride get in the way, or my selfishness or self pity. Not by the flesh can this be done, only in the spirit, the Spirit of God dwelling within me. So I ask Father, forgive me of these sins and grant unto me repentance and give me grace to grow tomorrow. Teach me Your way O Lord, unite my heart to fear Your Name, and cause me to walk in righteousness for your namesake.

I just feel lately like it's never enough, and surly it is not. But I am discontent with what is possible and the efforts I am making, maybe because others are discontent with my efforts. Yes that is it. I keep getting told that and it hurts.

I am going to talk about the good stuff for a while and publish those great songs that bring such blessed comfort and talk about God's great work in the ministries I get to witness, I will tell of His great work in others lives.

Self-Righteous

Someone said I was self-righteous tonight. Self-righteous? Me? Never? I think they are right.

I felt so confused today, as I came to tears over sin. I know who is the author of confusion.

I went to the word, for John MacArthur said it not only contains the way to reveal our sin but there he finds also the healing for it.

Why do I feel so far from the truth today?

Help me in my unbelief Father!

The Fight

CJ Mahaney was quoting someone when he said in a sermon, "If it still hurts it's not broken."

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
-Matthew 5:3-6

I am realizing the great lengths it takes to break me of my sin. It's a battle and I am realizing that means I have to fight. It is spirit against flesh, one weak one strong. I am weak.

I am not used to keeping quiet about my sin or my feelings, I never hide them. This is something I am learning to do, for discretion is sometimes good, and sometimes it hurts too much to tell. But tonight I had to pour out my heart to someone, as I failed to pour it out to God. He provided. She listened for 45 minutes strait through without a word. I sobbed as I spoke every word. Jessica told me she was encouraged as she heard the fighting in my words and to rejoice in this because in my weakness God's strength will be shown. Blessed be the name of the Lord! She reminded me at the end of my weakness only God will be glorified. AMEN! This is what I want, isn't it. But boy does it hurt. It's funny I had read these, Paul's words not a few days earlier. I didn't see it that day as I saw it today, although I'd seen it many times before.

When I wrote "I wish" I was really in despair over my sin. I hated the way I was feeling and my sinfulness. When I came out of it, I rejoiced I had found victory and I saw that that was what it took to bring it, that God would be glorified, because I cannot manufacture repentance or joy! These are granted by God, not the flesh, but by the Spirit. To God be the glory great things He has done!

But quickly more sin came to haunt me and torment me. This is good, He brought me to weakness again, brokenness again. Jess said that when I don't like seeing my sin it is because my pride doesn't like it, it wants to see me be strong. How true. I understood this from the perspective of self-righteous sorrow over my sin when God said He removed it as far as the east is from the west. But I'd forgotten, and never really have grasped it fully. Today I understood it more.

This year I have often told myself that anxiety over sin is wrong past the point of it's revelation to us, because He has done away with it in every way conceivable, He said we're dead to it. But the flesh remains weak and stubborn, and I confess I want to stay in my sin even when I am completely conscience of it's horrible effects.

This past week was quite victorious, with many other pitfalls, but a huge one, made huge progress (Christine encouraged me to pick just one after last week's sermon, I knew which one it had to be, it plagued me 5 days a week). Praise be to God!

For 5 consecutive Sundays I had felt the effects of my sin rob my joy as I tried to worship corporately. I didn't think that today would be number 6. I prayed God to grant me joy and focus during worship today. He did. But soon after my sin was before me again.

Switchfoot sang long ago "I dare you to move as if today never happened." I took this challenge as a new believer. They also said "Welcome to resistance, the tension is here, the tension is here, between who you are and who you could be, between how it is and how it should be." On that same album which came early in my Christian walk, they sang "I never thought I could fall this far, I never knew I could hurt this bad." I newly related to those lyrics. Listening to their much more recent album this man sings "I'm tired of feeling low, feeling low." And this great line that harmonized with me when I wrote "I wish" where he asks "is this a new tear or just another desperation." I'd only recently pulled this one out to listen to it again, because originally I hadn't found much in it to process. I never thought a grown man could be feeling the same things I was. Oh how I asked over and over and over again! I need new tears, I need new eyes. He granted. He grants it still.

The first Christian artist I knew as a baby believer was Watermark. Praise the Lord! They so beautifully preached the gospel to me and challenged me and told me of His love over and over and over again. On their very first album she sang these words:

Dusty Feet tired from walking, but You have beautiful Feet, and You walk those roads and You gave hope to me, callused Hands tired from working, but You have beautiful Hands and the wounds therein have given life to me, and I want to know Your beauty to hold it hear in my heart, oh Lord if only I could make my road look like Your road, if I could love the way You love, if Your Word in my heart was the only thing I use to fill me up, I want to place my feet where wounded walk and where you learn to love no matter what the cost, I want to go, I want to walk Your road.

(aside - how many ties that song has to stories unwritten, they must be told)

I always always prayed with her I want to walk your road. Lately when I think of that I think of the "Man of Sorrows." Over the years how many times have I said whatever you want Lord. Your will not mine. Do whatever it takes. Break me before you give me. Your glory alone. You alone. Why now do these words come so much harder to my heart? So strange, now that I know so much more of His blessing and faithfulness and joy and truth.

I hadn't listened to that song in so long, but for this reason the words, only these words "I want to walk Your road" where brought to my mind and I would go back to the song to quote it in it's whole and read the words, so that I might see again the rest of them and realize I need to re-learn all of this, and actually learn it for the first time. All that has been written in this blog, all I was ever taught must continually be learned. We are sheep. The gospel does not start and end the day of salvation. The scriptures once memorized are still living and active. The sins once conquered must always be conquered again.

This single blog will be the culmination of all the blogs and the untold stories, if I can keep writing. Hope you can follow this journey.

The only light I ever saw at the end of the tunnel was Heaven. As a hyper-legalist (or whatever I was made up by some off theology I conjured up) I thought all pleasure and happiness was reserved for that place, but He said Glorify God and in that enjoy Him forever, starting today. Oh I want to get this!

This the untold story, I've been waiting to tell it. . .

I will never ceased to be amazed at God's unveiling to me in retro spec the purposes of the workings of His sovereignty.

I was born, the first generation Colombian-American of my family. I was born into a half-Christian family (if that). At age 10 my father opened a bakery and both my parents went to work 7 days a week, at least 10 hours a day. My older sister was in High School at the time and was what you see in movies. My younger sister was only 2 years old. I was yet unsaved. I did not make a good mom at 10 or 11 or 12 or any other age, much less a good sister. But I remember often interceding for her when my parents didn't understand what she wanted or needed. I never looked good to the world. My older sister did, she never wanted me around. The Lord protected me.

After a few years of getting by moderately the Lord prospered my parents. As children our love was bought, there was no time for it to be shown. Discipline was not given, for they were only with us a few hours and it hurt them to further hurt us. When I cried, I was not shown compassion, rather I was yelled at. Obedience was rewarded right along with disobedience, actually I think disobedience even more.

My life was characterized by sorrow and depression. I hated my parents, often, often questioning their love for me.

When the Lord had gracious great mercy on me and saved me of my sin, in my sophmore year of High School, I was in a bible teaching church. I rationalized all my sin and hatred for my parents, after all they were sinners and had done everything wrong because they wanted more money. I complained to God for the life He'd given me. I didn't have the perfect American Christian family where mom stays home and dad works 8-5 and all the kids have happy lives with right discipline, activities that mom and dad get to partake in and don't work after school and get to go to college with the true encouragement of their parents. I would still get depressed often about my sin and my life, though I would find great satisfaction in church and serving at all times as much as I could.

I had given my life to Christ, well He took it, sinful sinful life that it was and remained and remains. He gave me a new heart that He promised to keep working on. This heart wanted to do all for the Lord. It found it's place of joy. It was a taste of heaven. 24/7 fellowship, in the word and preaching the word. The mission field. This was a false picture. But what I got to taste of it I loved and it was evident He gifted me in this way. I never feel so complete as those times when I am sharing the Word of God. I felt it over and over and over again. From the first taste of missions in 2000, after only a year of being a believer, I'd found my place. Argentina held everything I wanted or so I thought. It was my escape from my life to do what I loved a noble thing, fulfilling my gifts. To be surrounded by fellowship where everyone loved me and self-sacrificially served God. Sounds good huh? Well I wanted to go and stay, every time I came back it was with sorrowful tears. My dad said no I couldn't go, until I came back from the last trip in 2006. I got home and my dad said "Welcome home," and I said "Maybe not," and he said "You have my blessing." It's hard to take my dad at his word, but this time he really meant it. So I said in my heart "I'm going," and told everyone else too, not a clue what this really meant, but everyone new I wanted it for years and that I was happy when I was there and everyone really wanted that. And of course I was willing to sacrifice everything else for the Lord, who wanted a nice suburban living, that never got me anywhere. It was time for a reality check. Art Nakamura gave it. Longer story shorter. . . I made my plans as best I could to get myself to Argentina. It was not God's will, well obviously, but it wasn't so obvious then. But it really became clear not too long after, or so it seems that way looking back. I was unsatisfied with my ability to minister at FBC. Some tried to persuade me not to go due to bad doctrine, I am the weaker vessel after all. Others got to go, but no, not me. FBC was in the process of developing it's core values and 10 year church planting strategy! Finally a place where I can get involved in some serious work for the Lord. Still I was a woman and had no place in that. It was hard being a girl wanting to serve in capacities she couldn't with no male leadership, sometimes it's still hard. I didn't have any like minded peers at the time either, this made it hard too. But finally the Lord over many means and many years showed me where my mission field was, right where I was. Oh yeah, that is all our mission fields whether you're a mom, a college student, a father providing for his family or a HS or Jr High student or alive or born into a half-Christian family with non-christian extended family.

Dusty Feet tired from walking, but You have beautiful Feet, and You walk those roads and You gave hope to me, callused Hands tired from working, but You have beautiful Hands and the wounds therein have given life to me, and I want to know Your beauty to hold it hear in my heart, oh Lord if only I could make my road look like Your road, if I could love the way You love, if Your Word in my heart was the only thing I use to fill me up, I want to place my feet where wounded walk and where you learn to love no matter what the cost, I want to go, I want to walk Your road.

My home. "No matter what the cost." Away from the fellowship I love. Away from love as I have come to know it. "To love the way You love," unconditionally. "To know Your beauty," so I can show it, as only I can. Lessons again, lessons again. But I am tired, so tired, and my heart feels callused. [Pity Party tears welled up momentarily after writing I'm tired, forgive me Lord.] God soften my heart again, I wasn't alert and let it become hard in my sin and unbelief, in my desires, and forgetting You know best.

This is the most current fight. It is a fight it means I must be willing to die to self over and over and over again. I am excited at the prospect of reaping the promise of God that as I follow Him along this hard road there is joy to be had. If the end is the salvation of the lost, I ask forgiveness again and say wow Lord you are so gracious and so patient, again. That wasn't enough, reverently this time "LORD, YOU ARE AMAZINGLY GRACIOUS AND AMAZINGLY PATIENT!!!"

Let me elaborate on these again and back up in the story now.

Had I not been born into a half-Christian family, my heart would not break for the lost as it does, nor understand the blindness and the futility of all their ways as I can to this point. If I had not been the first American-Colombian I would not be able to relate to those first generation Hispanic-Americans that make up so many of our neighbors. If my dad had not been the visionary he is and not opened the bakery, I would not have come to know the right gospel that is the power of God unto salvation. Nor would I have been shaped in all these things to become more into the image of His Son and to value true love as I do. There is so much more, so much I have seen and haven't seen.

This year God has really caused me to say forgive me for all the years of complaining over so much. Those have been good good good times. And say forgive me for all the ways I failed to serve You as you called and failed to enjoy You as You allowed. It has been through God's showing of His goodness and that their is more in store that I have said forgive me, I was wrong, I did not see through me sin to Your goodness.

You know the argument we often use for the Bible being fully inspired by God because what man would indite himself like that? I am making a correlation.

I used to feel like I wasn't serving God when I sang in the choir because I loved singing. But when I expressed that to someone shortly after coming to FBC they replied I find it a double blessing because I enjoy it and I am serving God. How far I was in my thinking from knowing God. I still fall into this thinking. Those verses really hit me in the new and old testament. This has been my Psalm:

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin! For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment. Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me. Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice. Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you. Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation, and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Do good to Zion in your good pleasure; build up the walls of Jerusalem; then will you delight in right sacrifices, in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings; then bulls will be offered on your altar.
-Psalms 51

Yes, over the years my most comforting verse was a broken spirit and a contrite heart these you will not despise.

I still feel like something is missing. Tonight there is a disconnect, at this moment, not earlier. If I read through this blog there would be much more to insert, much to clarify. But I must stop here. CJ admonished me this way.

My mission field He also graciously gave me is South Upland, from the first campaign He really used me, in a more permanent ministry that kept me grounded and safe within my church, by which He's taught me so so so so so much.

He brought others too, many others. Wonderful, unique people, on fire for the Lord, sacrificial servants, with pasts so similar and unique that reaped the same lessons I had or would come to learn through them. Among these, Louis and Christine Ottrando. A real mother and father to me. Ones I so desperately needed. Showing an unconditional love and constant care and example, one I need so much.

I neglected the wisdom my Heavenly Father had for me through my earthly father. Secular wisdom is often in line with biblical wisdom, because that is how God rules the world. Here are some reminders I got from greeting cards I saw while walking through the mall with Jackie yesterday.




It has been so good to go back to things I think I have repented of or remember the things I neglected to ask forgiveness for and really clean out the cob webs and humble myself before God and say how wrong I was, how right you are. And trust Him for tomorrow, and not think about it, because as that not so comforting verse says "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Mat 6:34, but it is very good not to think about tomorrow. It's been a good practice.

I didn't want to believe it when CJ said "if it hurts it's not dead yet." I still had the hurt and wanted to believe it was just false theology that was causing it. Surely that plus Satan's lies makes it harder to root out, but truly I want the Lord to have my whole heart and I will say in faith, not feelings, "DO WHATEVER IT TAKES!"

John Piper said, when your desires are strongest you will do what you can to justify them and Satan pulls out all the missiles to attack and get you to fall. Resist the Devil and he will flee. We won't give up the fight and we won't lose, Christ already won. He will win the battle for my heart, He promised and He already did.

"You shall have no other gods before me."
-Exodus 20:3

"It's easier to fake and smile and burn." "You be right and I'll be real."

Boy. . .

have I got a story to tell. . . actually 10. But it seems I find it hard to write at anytime other than the middle of the night when all is shut off except my mind, and that is not going to happen tonight since I am on a new regimen, a good one, so that I can "bless His name un-apologetically" and begin to "serve Him with a clear conscience" and "laugh at the future" because as John MacArthur explained we can trust He always blesses the one who works righteousness faithfully. I hope to tell this wonderful story of triumph unseen, to describe it in the most God glorifying way I can, for it was all Him. He's changed me, He really has. Don't stop Lord, please!"

Wondrous are your works oh Lord

For you, O LORD, have made me glad by your work; at the works of your hands I sing for joy. Psalm 92:4

I will tell of Your works all the days of my life

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
-Isaiah 55:8-9

I saw

the beauty of Christ when I realized last night that He felt the full extent of the grief, the agony, the shame that I feel of my sin (& far beyond anything I will ever feel) on the cross so that I wouldn't have to.

I wish

I could explain my thoughts tonight, but it's too much, too much, I don't even understand tonight. Too much, too much. Life is so hard, but I have it sooo easy compared to 99.999999999999999% of people on this earth. I don't get it.

At least I know Jesus is collecting the rain from my eyes tonight & I have the hope that He is accomplishing His will in me tonight.

I need thee every hour
most gracious Lord

A Shooting Star & you

Last night on our drive home from the concert, Jackie and I saw a shooting star!

It took me back to the song that had just played that said "Here on this earth we lift our eyes to the stars, we seek all You are, we seek You."

It is true, when I long for God and wish I could see Him, I always look up to the sky. When I want to remember how small I am and see the great power He has I sense it when I sit and stare at the ocean.

But where do I look when I want long to see Christ? I will look at you.

Satan - The Supernatural Joy Stealer

He stole my joy on Good Friday, then all I had was a sorrowful countenance.

A glad heart makes a cheerful face,
but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed.
Proverbs 15:13

It was so bad that by Sunday I still had sorrow unshaken and I would not even look up to receive a joyful countenance and joy for my soul.

The light of the eyes rejoices the heart,
and good news refreshes the bones.
Proverbs 15:30

I have long owed it to myself and more importantly to God to find out what His word says on the subject of Satan. I always thought it was a cop-out to say Satan is the cause of this; I wanted to blame it on myself and root out my sin, and this has it's proper place too, but often that just made me more depressed because I couldn't figure it out.

But greater has been and will always be He who is in me than he who is in the world.

Lord, save my Daddy

I don't want to wait anymore. I feel like the breaking point is coming, the complete hardening or the break to make it soft, or the end. I don't want to continue to ignore the elephant in the room every time I look at him and know it's not alright.

But never the less, not my will, but Yours be done.

Can I pray that in this situation? Isn't that what I have to hold onto? You will be glorified, that is all that matters. And yet, please be pleased to glorify Yourself through this one in the greater of the two, not the just wrath, but the amazing grace. Please Father, save my daddy, give him to Your Son, open his heart. Do whatever it takes.

Soli Deo Gloria

Greatest fear, that life would be anything less than this.

I have been plagued by the thought that this blog represented the opposite, pride.

But faithful sisters, the two spiritual moms, have affirmed, without my asking, that it is indeed Soli Deo Gloria! YAY! Praise God! - Okay that was funny. . . anyway. . . one said "what a testimony of God's faithfulness to you." The other said it was like reading the Psalms in that you see the woe of man and the hope in God.

I think I should read it, it might encourage me... oh yeah, that was part of the point!

Worship (?) Concert

Corporate worship (in the local body and the body of Christ) has been a kind of struggle for years, for different reasons. Some have been mended some are true struggles that may not go away, and some are still un-dealt with.

Tonight I went to a worship concert expecting to worship as I had on several occasions with these same lyrics at home. But there was an opening act before the singer I knew. This is what I wrote as I sat in my chair tonight. . .

Often times when you go to a worship concert and you know that some people are just there for the experience and the emotion and when truth is not clearly & fully told and you actually hear lies in the midst of it all, and people are excitedly singing about these things, your heart just goes out to those being led astray, fooled into a false salvation and you are humbled by God's grace, again, that He would choose to reveal to you the truth.

A night decidedly for worship then becomes a night of prayer and meditation. Hahaha, chuckle, I guess that is a form of worship too. He is faithful. And I have long been aware that my ultimate times of worship have been alone, screaming at the top of my lungs in my room & in my car, with like minded me. And second to that would be the amazing conversations with the saints that are uplifting the name of the Lord, discovering or re-discovering the mysteries so clearly revealed in the scriptures.

Through the years nothing have I looked forward to more in marriage than a soul mate who will share the thoughts and emotions that come with them in praise to our GOD. Then I can share in a worship concert and know that the person next to me is of the same mind. Then those worshipful conversations can be an every morning & night thing and not an every so often thing.

But until then, and then, may my first and last worship of each day be in prayer between the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and End, the First and the Last.

And nothing do I look forward to more about being in Heaven than praising God perfectly. Oh, how oft my heart yearns for that day, I can hardly stand it.

Antagonistic Worship

There are a lot of songs that God has brought about providentially timed through the years to provide the comfort I needed. As of late there have been a wealth more, new and old, they all have a perfect place woven in the stories of this blog (& some in the untold stories) and I want to share these beautiful lyrics that God faithfully provided to "lift up my head" on countless days and nights. I will share these periodically and maybe you can make the match with the blog entry. However I think none have been more instructional to see the work that God has done over the past 6 months (& 4 years) through being in my 2nd year of Jr. High ministry.

I must admit, at first I was quite antagonistic towards these silly songs we sang with the kids for worship, but as a someone commented the same concern a few weeks later, I replied "I trust our leaders, they know what they’re doing." I believed that and those words proved true. I learned to enjoy the silliness of the songs and soon was allowing myself to rejoice, putting on the joy by believing even in the simplicity of the lyrics "cast your burdens unto Jesus for He cares for you" while we reeled in our fishing line in hand motions and after "clapping a friends had next to ya" singing with a huge smile on my face "Jesus is a friend, He's a friend next to ya". And then singing a beautiful rendition of "Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so." Oh those words never sounded and felt so good & true. Now that is worship in spirit & in truth. And it's humblining because I really needed to hear those simple lyrics each and every time.

And then there are those providential nights when we sing the good hymns of the faith just when I need them “what can wash away my sin, nothing, but the blood of Jesus. . .” and good solid contemporary ones that I had been just been thinking on and praying through “. . . Refiner’s fire my heart's one desire is to be holy set apart for you lord.”

A Song when I can't Sing

There are days when the pain is too great to sing, so I must look to another to sing the words I cannot. . .


I will wait for you there
Down on my knees where I met you
Give you all of my cares
Find the grace to hold onto now
I'm calling for You

I will wait for You there
far from the world and it's violence
It left broken and bare
I need to hear You in the silence now
I'm calling for You

And with outstretched arms
I will sing out melodies
And my beating heart
Will pour out a symphony
Hallelujahs in the morning
Hallelujahs in the night
I will wait for you as long as I have life

I will wait for You there
Down On my knees where I met you
Cause life is a war fought with tears
But You are the strength I hold onto now
I'm calling for you

-I will wait for you there, Phil Wickham

Blind Faith? Absolutely.

Blind to everything except a soverign & good God at the head of all things. This should be an intentional blindness.

Then there is actual blindness.

A child can only see that they are at 'A' and want to get to 'Z', but a parent can see 'B' through 'Y', and therefore has the wisdom to guide & direct.

Let us trust the Father who knows our every 'Z', knows our 'A' better than we, and has perfectly ordained 'B' through 'Y' and really knows the best 'Z' and promises just that, even when we have no idea what our 'Z' is.

The LORD has made everything for its purpose, even the wicked for the day of trouble.
-Proverbs 16:4

The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.
-Proverbs 16:9

The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD.
-Proverbs 16:33

The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the LORD.
-Proverbs 16:1

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
-Romans 8:28

Beautiful & Real Words

"God's silences are not rejections; they are preparing us for deeper revelations of Him."

"Waiting is loving."

"If I have never mourned over my waywardness then I have no solid ground for rejoicing." - A.W. Pink

"Who can know the love of one life, one heart, one soul until you add abstraction." -Sarah Groves

Faithful Much?

Indeed!

A couple Sundays ago a beloved friend was preaching the gospel to me, keenly aware that that was exactly what I needed to hear, made sure I heard it. I then realized that was all I needed, all I ever need to lean on, again & always.

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 4:19

I recently picked up the Gospel Primmer by Milton Vincent, to further this endeavor. My Lord had these words for me to hear on guilt:

As long as I am stricken with the guilt of my, sins I will be captive to them, and will keep re-committing the very sins about which I feel most guilty. The Devil is well aware of this fact; he knows that if he can keep me tormented by sin's guilt, he can dominate me with sin's power.
The gospel, however, slays sin at this root point and thereby nullifies sin's power over me. The forgiveness of God, made known to me through the gospel, liberates me from sin's power because it liberates me first from its guilt; and preaching such forgiveness to myself is a practical way of putting the gospel into operation as a nullifier of sin's power in my life.

I recall a conversation a little over a month ago with some friends. One was asking our advice on an over apologetic friend. She described the situation and I replied, "that guilt she feels is not from God and her feeling like she has to repair everything is saying that Christ's work was not complete, and it is."

Another conversation I had with a friend, and how often do we hear these words, "I know God forgave me, I just can't forgive myself." What ludicrous words! The most Holy of Hollies has forgiven me and I can't forgive myself?

Preach it to myself. Remember, remember.

Oh be still my soul, the waves and wind still know His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.