A Shooting Star & you

Last night on our drive home from the concert, Jackie and I saw a shooting star!

It took me back to the song that had just played that said "Here on this earth we lift our eyes to the stars, we seek all You are, we seek You."

It is true, when I long for God and wish I could see Him, I always look up to the sky. When I want to remember how small I am and see the great power He has I sense it when I sit and stare at the ocean.

But where do I look when I want long to see Christ? I will look at you.

Satan - The Supernatural Joy Stealer

He stole my joy on Good Friday, then all I had was a sorrowful countenance.

A glad heart makes a cheerful face,
but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed.
Proverbs 15:13

It was so bad that by Sunday I still had sorrow unshaken and I would not even look up to receive a joyful countenance and joy for my soul.

The light of the eyes rejoices the heart,
and good news refreshes the bones.
Proverbs 15:30

I have long owed it to myself and more importantly to God to find out what His word says on the subject of Satan. I always thought it was a cop-out to say Satan is the cause of this; I wanted to blame it on myself and root out my sin, and this has it's proper place too, but often that just made me more depressed because I couldn't figure it out.

But greater has been and will always be He who is in me than he who is in the world.

Lord, save my Daddy

I don't want to wait anymore. I feel like the breaking point is coming, the complete hardening or the break to make it soft, or the end. I don't want to continue to ignore the elephant in the room every time I look at him and know it's not alright.

But never the less, not my will, but Yours be done.

Can I pray that in this situation? Isn't that what I have to hold onto? You will be glorified, that is all that matters. And yet, please be pleased to glorify Yourself through this one in the greater of the two, not the just wrath, but the amazing grace. Please Father, save my daddy, give him to Your Son, open his heart. Do whatever it takes.

Soli Deo Gloria

Greatest fear, that life would be anything less than this.

I have been plagued by the thought that this blog represented the opposite, pride.

But faithful sisters, the two spiritual moms, have affirmed, without my asking, that it is indeed Soli Deo Gloria! YAY! Praise God! - Okay that was funny. . . anyway. . . one said "what a testimony of God's faithfulness to you." The other said it was like reading the Psalms in that you see the woe of man and the hope in God.

I think I should read it, it might encourage me... oh yeah, that was part of the point!

Worship (?) Concert

Corporate worship (in the local body and the body of Christ) has been a kind of struggle for years, for different reasons. Some have been mended some are true struggles that may not go away, and some are still un-dealt with.

Tonight I went to a worship concert expecting to worship as I had on several occasions with these same lyrics at home. But there was an opening act before the singer I knew. This is what I wrote as I sat in my chair tonight. . .

Often times when you go to a worship concert and you know that some people are just there for the experience and the emotion and when truth is not clearly & fully told and you actually hear lies in the midst of it all, and people are excitedly singing about these things, your heart just goes out to those being led astray, fooled into a false salvation and you are humbled by God's grace, again, that He would choose to reveal to you the truth.

A night decidedly for worship then becomes a night of prayer and meditation. Hahaha, chuckle, I guess that is a form of worship too. He is faithful. And I have long been aware that my ultimate times of worship have been alone, screaming at the top of my lungs in my room & in my car, with like minded me. And second to that would be the amazing conversations with the saints that are uplifting the name of the Lord, discovering or re-discovering the mysteries so clearly revealed in the scriptures.

Through the years nothing have I looked forward to more in marriage than a soul mate who will share the thoughts and emotions that come with them in praise to our GOD. Then I can share in a worship concert and know that the person next to me is of the same mind. Then those worshipful conversations can be an every morning & night thing and not an every so often thing.

But until then, and then, may my first and last worship of each day be in prayer between the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and End, the First and the Last.

And nothing do I look forward to more about being in Heaven than praising God perfectly. Oh, how oft my heart yearns for that day, I can hardly stand it.

Antagonistic Worship

There are a lot of songs that God has brought about providentially timed through the years to provide the comfort I needed. As of late there have been a wealth more, new and old, they all have a perfect place woven in the stories of this blog (& some in the untold stories) and I want to share these beautiful lyrics that God faithfully provided to "lift up my head" on countless days and nights. I will share these periodically and maybe you can make the match with the blog entry. However I think none have been more instructional to see the work that God has done over the past 6 months (& 4 years) through being in my 2nd year of Jr. High ministry.

I must admit, at first I was quite antagonistic towards these silly songs we sang with the kids for worship, but as a someone commented the same concern a few weeks later, I replied "I trust our leaders, they know what they’re doing." I believed that and those words proved true. I learned to enjoy the silliness of the songs and soon was allowing myself to rejoice, putting on the joy by believing even in the simplicity of the lyrics "cast your burdens unto Jesus for He cares for you" while we reeled in our fishing line in hand motions and after "clapping a friends had next to ya" singing with a huge smile on my face "Jesus is a friend, He's a friend next to ya". And then singing a beautiful rendition of "Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so." Oh those words never sounded and felt so good & true. Now that is worship in spirit & in truth. And it's humblining because I really needed to hear those simple lyrics each and every time.

And then there are those providential nights when we sing the good hymns of the faith just when I need them “what can wash away my sin, nothing, but the blood of Jesus. . .” and good solid contemporary ones that I had been just been thinking on and praying through “. . . Refiner’s fire my heart's one desire is to be holy set apart for you lord.”

A Song when I can't Sing

There are days when the pain is too great to sing, so I must look to another to sing the words I cannot. . .


I will wait for you there
Down on my knees where I met you
Give you all of my cares
Find the grace to hold onto now
I'm calling for You

I will wait for You there
far from the world and it's violence
It left broken and bare
I need to hear You in the silence now
I'm calling for You

And with outstretched arms
I will sing out melodies
And my beating heart
Will pour out a symphony
Hallelujahs in the morning
Hallelujahs in the night
I will wait for you as long as I have life

I will wait for You there
Down On my knees where I met you
Cause life is a war fought with tears
But You are the strength I hold onto now
I'm calling for you

-I will wait for you there, Phil Wickham

Blind Faith? Absolutely.

Blind to everything except a soverign & good God at the head of all things. This should be an intentional blindness.

Then there is actual blindness.

A child can only see that they are at 'A' and want to get to 'Z', but a parent can see 'B' through 'Y', and therefore has the wisdom to guide & direct.

Let us trust the Father who knows our every 'Z', knows our 'A' better than we, and has perfectly ordained 'B' through 'Y' and really knows the best 'Z' and promises just that, even when we have no idea what our 'Z' is.

The LORD has made everything for its purpose, even the wicked for the day of trouble.
-Proverbs 16:4

The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.
-Proverbs 16:9

The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD.
-Proverbs 16:33

The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the LORD.
-Proverbs 16:1

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
-Romans 8:28

Beautiful & Real Words

"God's silences are not rejections; they are preparing us for deeper revelations of Him."

"Waiting is loving."

"If I have never mourned over my waywardness then I have no solid ground for rejoicing." - A.W. Pink

"Who can know the love of one life, one heart, one soul until you add abstraction." -Sarah Groves

Faithful Much?

Indeed!

A couple Sundays ago a beloved friend was preaching the gospel to me, keenly aware that that was exactly what I needed to hear, made sure I heard it. I then realized that was all I needed, all I ever need to lean on, again & always.

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 4:19

I recently picked up the Gospel Primmer by Milton Vincent, to further this endeavor. My Lord had these words for me to hear on guilt:

As long as I am stricken with the guilt of my, sins I will be captive to them, and will keep re-committing the very sins about which I feel most guilty. The Devil is well aware of this fact; he knows that if he can keep me tormented by sin's guilt, he can dominate me with sin's power.
The gospel, however, slays sin at this root point and thereby nullifies sin's power over me. The forgiveness of God, made known to me through the gospel, liberates me from sin's power because it liberates me first from its guilt; and preaching such forgiveness to myself is a practical way of putting the gospel into operation as a nullifier of sin's power in my life.

I recall a conversation a little over a month ago with some friends. One was asking our advice on an over apologetic friend. She described the situation and I replied, "that guilt she feels is not from God and her feeling like she has to repair everything is saying that Christ's work was not complete, and it is."

Another conversation I had with a friend, and how often do we hear these words, "I know God forgave me, I just can't forgive myself." What ludicrous words! The most Holy of Hollies has forgiven me and I can't forgive myself?

Preach it to myself. Remember, remember.

Oh be still my soul, the waves and wind still know His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Psalm 19:14

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

A Christmas Story - re-Posted

I thought it was appropriate timing to re-post this deleted post - not appropriate timing in the fact that it's past 1am after a super long week, but appropriate timing in that it's time to adore Christ for the most awesome thing ever - the cross.
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Before all the words in this blog were typed in, last year had to come to an end. This happened just before that end, which was recorded in "This is The Beginning," which I guess makes this story the real end.
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I had already edited this story once after it's original post and then decidedly deleted it. But now I will re-post it as is, and come back to it soon to add my editorial comments. One of which is this. . .

Do you ever find yourself complaining just because you want to? I hate that. Here I found that creeping in again after God had been working greatly in my heart with that mid-last year. I have nothing to complain about, but everything to be thankful for.
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Growing up in a non-Christian led home, Christmas has always been, well... Christ-less. The only part of my Christmas that is focused on Christ is going to Christmas Eve service to worship my Lord and Savior, a privileged I have not always had. This year the message given was about just that, the whole notion of being ready for Christmas as another way of saying "is all the shopping done and the presents wrapped and the food planned?" That is a Christmas not focused on Christ. Jeremy questioned us saying "Do you adore Christ?" He entreated us to look at Christmas with the Christ in it. I was convicted and decided that instead of leaving with my immediate family, as soon as I got home, to "join" the extended family for our traditional festivities of eating, drinking and dancing until way into the AM hours, I would stay back and spend some time adoring Christ, and to once again try to perhaps gain the boldness necessary to share Christ with my family, on the day we are to celebrate how it all began. So I went home from Christmas Eve service with my mission.

I got home and my mom and sisters were ready to leave and I asked, just in case, what was planned for that evening to which my mom replied, "You know the usual." And I asked if it would be okay if I could join them in a couple of hours and she said "Sure. You're dad is asleep upstairs." And I asked, "Why, what happened?" She said my uncle had visited him earlier at work and they started drinking and my dad had had to much to drink. That was unexpected and caused me sorrow, needless to say, and then I no longer wanted to be home, but wanted to be near my mother. So off we went to my aunts house. We arrived and ate some great Colombian food and things went well, even though my mom had to tell everyone about my dad when they asked why he wasn't there, to which she added her testimony of "I am sorry he doesn't have the Lord and has to resort to that, but I do have the Lord." I was doing my best to enjoy my family and converse with them.

After a while I went to the living room and sat alone (with the music blaring) and tried to read my Bible and journal a bit. After about 20 minutes, I decided to go for a walk and get some peace and quiet and talk with the Lord. So I went off down the block. I don't remember much of what I thought about, but I walked down pretty far and then thought "I shouldn't be this far away"... it was 11:10 pm by then, so I turned around and had to run back because it started sprinkling.

Not long after arriving back, someone yelled "A house is on fire!" We all went out side and started down the block, towards where I had been. I'd never seen flames so big in my life. I heard my aunts say "How sad, their house is burning down on Christmas Eve, there tree must have caught on fire." I walked about half way down and stood watching in disbelief. The rest of my family walked on to the end of the block to where there were several police cars. The house was on the back side of the houses on her block, the entrance to that block was where I'd earlier decided to turn around and walk back to my aunts.

I had little sympathy for the house, I thought more of the souls. My mind started thinking of how to turn this into the gospel. I thought "What shall it man profit if he gains the whole world yet loses His own soul?" "You will likewise perish if you do not repent." I kept silent, could not speak.

As my family began to come back up the street, my littlest cousin first came with the report, "A man came in a Santa suit and shot three people and then threw a bomb in the house and blew it up!" I thought he was making it up and then the others came with the same report from the police officers. I walked back with the rest of my family, some were already laughing and joking by that time. I was silent. What could I make of this? What do I do, how do I react? What do I say?

I went into the house, shut myself in my cousins room, stared out the window and prayed. I was fighting the urge to shut down, fall asleep and stop the thoughts. I was crying and lay down.

Outside the room I could hear my cousins, their boyfriends and girlfriends and friends, and my uncles laughing over the alcoholic shots they were taking in the kitchen, the rest had resumed dancing, music still blaring.

I was crying for the dead. No not the ones shot in the house that was now burning (eight at final count), no, not them, the dead ones in the kitchen and living room who would surly burn in the lake of fire if they did not repent. What could I do? Could I walk in and cry out as John the baptist did "Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!" Would they have heard? I kept silent, but cried out to the One who hears. Then I slept.


I recently finished reading These Strange Ashes, Elizabeth Elliot's own telling of her first year on the mission field, in which many terrible things happened that seemed unexplainable to which she draws this, among other conclusions: "To be a follower of the Crucified means, sooner or later a personal encounter with the cross. And the cross always entails loss. The great symbol of Christianity means the sacrifice and no one who calls himself a Christian can evade this stark fact. It is not by any means an easy thing to recognize, within a given instance of personal loss. What, we ask ourselves, can this possibly have to do with that? We are not by nature inclined to think spiritually. We are ready to assign almost any other explanation to the things that happen to us. There is a certain reticence to infer that our little troubles may actually be the vehicles to bring us to God. Most of us simply grin and bear them, knowing they are the lot of all human beings, and our memories being marvelously selective, we simply cancel them out, none the better for the lessons we might have learned."

Similarly John Piper once said "All things exist to magnify Christ." I remember living with the mindset that everything that happens happens for a reason, He allows it for something, whether we get to see or recognize a piece of the reason or not.

In the days that followed I kept wondering what, why...

I finally remembered the words of Solomon. "It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting." Surely I was in a better place that day, in my room of mourning than with the feasting.



"He who has ears let him hear."

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Christmas morning started off very awkwardly. My sisters and mom and dad were all up and breakfast was being made and as I came down stairs I could sense everyone was uncomfortable and on edge. We sat down and I prayed for breakfast. By God's grace by the time we finished eating, everyone was at ease. We opened our presents together and talked and laughed as we did. Everyone was very content with what they got. The rest of the day was spent in and out of sleep and watching TV. Christmas always wears my family out because of the bakery business. That was it.

"Do you adore Christ?"

Christmas or Christ-less?

I spent my day in my room - my Harry Potter like existence, as I'd often thought of it.

Never so emphatically had I said in my heart the words engraved on the plaque in my room... "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." I never wanted to have another Christ-less Christmas.
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But God says to me, "Until I give you your own house, will you not serve me in this one, the one I gave you now?"

Is it possible to say that my flesh wants to be gratified by always being near to those in the body of Christ, and that my Lord beckons me to be with those that are not?

Will I yield to His will, though mine can so easily be masked by good?

How do I balance? This, the life long question.

How do I reconcile?

Do I spend 24 hours a day in the company of unbelievers waiting for the opportunity for the gospel? Or do I trust God and follow His every step, and really seek out his will for each and everyday.

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God only knows how long I wrestled with these questions. I know my rebellion. This rebellion being one of many I thought of when I wrote "This is the Beginning," knowing there is much He currently wants me to conquer, that I'd never sought to change.

It has actually been 9 years that I have been dealing with this. Only able to be put in words now because of faithful brothers and sisters God brought to me in many circumstances, that He has caused me to understand this. Truly He is patient and His loving kindness rests upon me.

And by His Amazing Grace, He has allowed me to change my ways and take steps of obedience and realize the first calling, my home. And guess what... He is already pouring abundant blessings upon me... my cup overflows, for it was already full.

Berean, Not

The reason for this post:
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. -1 John 1:9

It is my disobedience to God, my rebellion, my apathy, my obedience to the flesh that has caused my grief and struggle these 9 years. For if I would have searched the scriptures and seen if these things were so, I would have seen the truth, by God's grace, since the Holy Spirit is my teacher and Christ, the logos, Himself dwells in me.

I grew up in a church that believed in unlimited atonement. I listen to a clanging symbol. I became a legalist, a pharisee.

The consequences are great, not only to my inner man, but to the testimony of God's glory.

I suffer under my own sin, not under any persecution.

Now,

I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.
-John 15:5-11

I have been protected by God for once again,

if we are faithless, he remains faithful-- for he cannot deny himself. - 2 Timothy 2:13

I always was hearing the word, abiding in it that way. Attending any class or service I could, listening to sermons over and over again, but never doing my own work. God protected me time and time again, surrounding me with men faithful to the Scriptures that would not let me go astray. To these men I am ever indebted.

In this way I certainly see myself as the weaker vessel. If not for God's mercy and grace I would have been like Sadiq, whom some of you saw debate, very horribly, for the Muslims on Friday and Saturday. I concur with Sam to say that this man's blasphemy made me worn out and tired by Saturday afternoon.

I, in my laziness will most often go to music to find encouragement and peace, of this too I must repent, at least in part, a great part. Although again He has given me a spirit of discernment to know truth, and seek that my music be filled with it. But He says come straight to me, abide in My Word. I started a trek through the Proverbs, a book once wrought with conviction to my soul, I now found sweet, evidence too of His work in me. I see the faithful words of God bellowing the blessings and peace that come from being rooted in the Word.

I wrote to a friend today to thank her for showing me what was shown to her. . .

When you had me read Jesus' high priestly prayer to myself, then I saw as you said, He died just for the elect. How much more real this made His love for me. An intentional love, from before the foundations of the world. He died not for everyone, He died for me.

Oh amazing love how can it be!

On Sunday, while witnessing in a Claremont neighborhood, I spoke to a woman who had no belief in God or heaven or hell. Her "good" according to her standard was all that mattered. No sin, because it was all her standard. Before we went to the street I prayed with my partner, and confessed to not being an approved workman rightly dividing the word of truth, in tears. When I was speaking to this woman I said, I wish I could tell you your standard was okay, but if there was another standard and it was higher than your own and you were going to be judged by it wouldn't you want to know? She quickly replied, but why would you want to be guilty all the time? - Yes this is what my conversation with this stranger while out witnessing Sunday afternoon led to! Can you believe it! God was confronting me here! I couldn't deny it for long and I said, yes I am guilty but Christ paid for it all! And she said, but wouldn't you feel even more guilty that He did that for you? I had to tell her that all that will be done away with in heaven and I have that hope, for certain because of Christ who made an end to all my sin. She said I am happy for you. We had started the conversation with this woman pointing to creation and the sustainment of her own life, and pointing to her conscience and the eternal soul within. She just kept on saying that is what you believe. Towards the end I knew I needed to stick in some seeds, I was going to go to Colossians where it says He cancelled the certificate of debt, but the Lord took me to John 3:16-21:

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God."

I said, yes I would be guilty. I apologized to her if it seemed we'd been arguing and asked if we could pray for her. I wasn't discouraged by this conversation or the one before which was similar, except more difficult to try to engage this liberal lesbian, because she said where I am today I might not be tomorrow. The gospel made it's way out and it may be the first step in a long haul, but to God be the glory, His word never returns without accomplishing that for which it was sent.

So this I have been dealing with for the past year, properly dealing with my guilt, not alone, but with a gracious sister in Christ. I'm getting there, by His grace. Take it to the cross you say? Yes indeed, but in the past at times that has felt so abstract. Wouldn't you agree? Yes a legalist must deal with this in great detail to be free indeed. Scary words, I know. I fear not, I know the truth because it has been given to me. I must keep on believing. Preach the gospel to myself. It's quite simple though isn't it? I should have cried out with Peter sooner, help me in my unbelief.

I am comforted by the words of someone who said once your mind is expanded to new truths it can never go back. So I trust the further dealings in depth of my deceitful heart versus the truth, the truth indeed will bear light in the darkness.

Your word is truth

sharper than any two edged sword able to divide between both bone and marrow, able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart


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If I didn't sit down and write this all here, I would have no discipline to meditate on it otherwise. But now I will suffer the consequences of foolishness to have not gone to bed earlier!!! Awake for 17 1/2 hours with a slight headache, not bad. I had a large cup of coffee this morning. Hopefully I won't be immune to caffeine tomorrow, I'll definitely need it!

What shall I say

On Friday night I'd been brought back to a place of shame and conviction. Fresh wounds of not abiding in His word, as I wish and know I should. Conviction over writing things in this blog that week, again. I wanted to put my hand over my mouth before my God and only let Him speak now. That night I only wanted to read the Scriptures, not listen to myself speak in prayer. So I grabbed my bible and saw my copy of Valley of Vision and thought, that will be a good way to pray tonight. I randomly opened it, and yes it was one of those times where it's exactly what you need, exactly how you feel. . .

A Christian's Prayer

Blessed God,

Ten thousand snares are mine without and within,
defend thou me;
When sloth and indolence seize me,
give me views of heaven;
When sinners entice me,
give me disrelish of their ways;
When sensual pleasures tempt me,
purify and refine me;

When I desire worldly possessions,
help me to be rich toward thee;
When the vanities of the world ensnare me,
let me not plunge into new guilt and ruin.

May I remember the dignity of my spiritual release,
never be too busy to attend my soul,
never be so engrossed with time
that I neglect the things of eternity;
thus may I not only live, but grow towards thee.

Form my mind to right notions of religion,
that I may not judge of grace by wrong conceptions,
nor measure my spiritual advances by the efforts of my natural being.

May I seek after an increase of divine love to thee,
after unreserved resignation to thy will,
after extensive benevolence to my fellow creatures,
after patience and fortitude of soul,
after a heavenly disposition
after a concern that I may please thee in public and private.

Draw on my soul the lineaments of Christ,
in every trace and feature of which thou wilt take delight,
for I am
thy workmanship, created in Christ Jesus,
thy letter written with the Holy Spirit's pen,
thy tilled soil ready for the sowing, then harvest.

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The revelation of my sins, deep and loud continued Saturday, Sunday and Monday.
Tears filled each day along with brokenness, but not to the absence of His using me. I got to serve my brother and sister in Christ Saturday night, shared the gospel twice, encouraged a new believer, encouraged a sister in Christ on Sunday, and through my sin was drawn closer to my unsaved co-workers (the very same ones that were calling us hypocites, rightly so, I proved) on Monday and He gave me a brand new compassion I'd never felt for my aunt who I ran into at the gym and was able to share more truth than she receives in her church. Amazing Grace, Amazing God!


if we are faithless, he remains faithful-- for he cannot deny himself. - 2 Timothy 2:13

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. - Isaiah 55:8

As for you, O LORD, you will not restrain your mercy from me; your steadfast love and your faithfulness will ever preserve me!
-Psalms 40:11

It's so exciting to see Him at work, but the fear of falling is always near, I must rebuke this thought too for He says:

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
- 1 John 4:18

This I will continue to seek to understand.

so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith--that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
-Ephesians 3:17-19

I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.
-John 17:23

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
-Romans 8:38-39

but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
-Romans 5:8

God is truly faithful, knows what we need before we ask, does not give us what we want, but what we need and is able to do abundantly more than we could ever ask or think.

This faith is not my own, it is God in me, therefore it will never fail.

Amazing Grace, Amazing God!

Little lamb, do not forget.

Mary or Martha

Some of us don't get to sit in the school of theory before we get sent out to the wolves. Some of us where born into a mission field. Some of us were guilted into serving with all our resources.

Some need to get out of the classroom and use all the Lord has given them through their faithful study of the scriptures. Some of us need to be sure we're grounded in the Word accurately, before we share it.


Martha go to the Master's feet. Mary get out and work the soil.

Martha get in the bubble. Mary go out to the world.

Martha speak not your thoughts but think His after Him. Mary go speak boldly.

Martha go away to the mountain and be still. Mary shod your feet with the gospel.


Where am I?

Have you found the balance between the two?

It has been said "do not let the good become the enemy of the best." Or something like that. Too much to do? What should I do? Pray, pray, pray. Prioritize, prioritize, prioritize. Then be still & know that He is God.

An older wiser sister recently said to me, "He will only give you strength for what He wants you to do."

People always say He won't give you more than you can bear. I think they're taking that from the Corinthians passage that says we are not tempted beyond what we can bear, but with every temptation will be provided a way out without sin. So He doesn't say we won't be given more than we can handle in that sense. But He does say His yoke is easy and His burden is light, so does that mean I am taking on a self imposed task or having the wrong perspective in my laborings, making them burdensome? Probably both, sometimes seperate, sometimes at the same time.

We can be taken to our breaking point though, as was Job. He endured it all until the end he finally broke, then had to put His hand over his mouth. All to come back to the fulness of the Glory of God.

Break me!

I am such a Martha, whom Christ rebuked, and I long to be a Mary. I want to sit at my Master's feet. A friend shared "if it's important to you you'll find away, if it's not you'll find an excuse." Another one said, "busyness is just a lame excuse for apathy." Those words convict a soul. I need to sit. Lord make a way.

Today

I came in to work today to walk in on a conversation between two of my unsaved co-workers. One was declaring that she now knows that Christians are full of BS. That she would never forgive the offense. That they live one way at home and one way at work. That they are all hypocrites. That the offender never says I'm sorry.

I stood there not knowing what to say. Then went to my office and prayed.

I hate being so consumed with my forgiven sin that I am not making the time to pray for those that are under God's wrath. That I am not prioritizing my life around the testimony I have to the unbelievers in my daily walk. That I am not helping bear the burdens of my beloved brethren.

I hate that when I feel the weight of my own sin, it hinders my ability to encourage others and speak boldly for the Lord.

My prayer turns to "Let me walk in righteousness for your names sake O Lord." "Cause me to walk in a manner worthy of the calling." "Whether I eat or drink may I do all for the Glory of God."

I know that awareness of my sin and the chance to repent of it is a gift and is causing my growth and it is a good, indeed a great thing, but I get tired of it and cry "Maranatha! Come quickly Lord Jesus!" when all the weight of all the personal struggle and the ministries are felt at once. But I must look up and see Him there who made an end to all my sin and is preparing a place for me and has said, "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you, do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

I must not be afraid. I fear my sin. But must remember it is covered. I fear letting that truth sink in so quickly that I have not truly dealt with my sin. I even fear rejoicing over the love of God, because in my head quickly comes a voice that says "You are taking pride in the love of God." I have long struggled with this.

Oh brother, here goes, I need to work this out, voice this,
but must keep it short. . .

I know I do not deserve the love of God. I will not look at another who is sinning and think myself above them for the love God has for me, a sinner in full need of His grace. But somewhere along the line Satan keeps taking a foothold in my thoughts. This is why I have found it so hard to rejoice and hope in heaven and in the love of God with an un-guilty conscience even though He has commanded me to for the sake of hope to be able to press on. I came across Ephesians 3:14-21 recently:
For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith--that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

I can't remember ever reading these verses before. And I cried "Why, why was I not taught this?"

He is teaching me now.

I grew up believing in sacrificing my life for Him. Yes this is true and right, but He says to enjoy it. Oh, He says His commands are not burdensome, how this truth eluded me and still seeks to. How can all this be true together? Sacrifice is not something you would group together with joy, commands with freedom. How then? BECAUSE IT IS ALL ROOTED IN HIS LOVE! Your steadfast loving kindness will lead me, O Lord.

It's no wonder I did not understand this, for I had no example of it, or shunned what example I did have of it. For five years I heard the truth spoken without love in church. And in some families it's all commands, commands, commands, without even a hello often times.

But I do not deserve the greatness I have been given. All my life, before salvation and after has been flooded in His mercy and grace. And so tomorrow and today it shall be the same, for He is faithful. Soli Deo Gloria.

Time for Eternal Perspective

It's been a month since I lasted wrote. It's been a tough month. Full of ups and downs, wondering how one day, or even one minute, I could feel so close to the Lord, feel the joy, feel the power of Christ, and the next minute it could be so far away, when it's no less true or real.

I actually began a blog three weeks ago, to share all the things the Lord had done in just a week. But didn't finish it and never found the time to get back to it, because yet again He continued to work in me.

This last week has brought me to the re-realization of the depths of the depravity of my heart, as far as I can see, which is plenty enough for me. I pray for humility, so then comes the realization of my sinfulness and my ever constant need for God. I pray for my faith to increase, so then come the trials that will produce it. He is faithful.

So much has been happening within and without. Trials are surrounding not only me but those closest to me. It feels like it's only increasing and it seems like no end will come. Though we know what is the end, will I choose to delight in this truth?

God's timing is perfect. Some of us are facing the fears of uncertainty with the economy, the salvation of loved ones, our futures, or even our next moment. I am looking forward to this weekends Muslim-Christian debates. I am looking forward to having the eternal perspective brought right back in front of my face. To sit in a room half full of people that are deceived and without hope and see how they try to argue truth with no knowledge of it, and no beyond a shadow of a doubt that I know the truth, that I have real hope, and that my future is secure laid up in heaven where moth and rust do not destroy nor thieves break in and steal, and this all by God's grace because HE FIRST LOVED ME! A sinner, far fallen. I trust the Lord will strengthen us through this, to run the race set before us and reach the prize.