Lessons This Week & Last

By the time I finish writing this blog I'll have been awake for 24 hours. I think this is a first. I don't even feel tired or have a headache. Maybe I'm going to die and this is my one last whatever you want to call it, oh we'll use the phrase "call for revival."

It's 5 min to 5am. I've spent the last few hours in prayer and writing and ministry development.

Revival was the word that came up two chapters later in "Mountain Rain," after James Fraser found a wife, age 22, at his age of 42. The woman who brought the revival however was a single woman named Anna Christianson. She preached on sin. The revival came not among unbelievers but believers.

Last week at Table Talk the girls were asked by Mrs. Forsyth what we planned on studying this summer in relation to God i.e. a doctrine or a book etc. That caught me off guard at first, but I quickly had an answer. I forget how I phrased it, but it had been phrased by others before and since then, so I will borrow their words, and add to them now. I want to get grounded in delighting myself in God, making Him my satisfaction and one desire. I want my affections for Christ to grow, I really have always sensed that I don't have a picture of the beauty of Christ, if I haven't said it before in this blog I've said it elsewhere. I really want to see Him as beautiful. I had read Philippians about three times in the course of one week. I wanted to make that the book of my study this summer and finally read John Piper's "Desiring God" (bought it 4 years ago, the first book recommended to me when I came to FBC). Since then I have decided to add the study of Hebrews, the greatest picture of the supremacy of Christ. Thankfully I don't have to go it alone, I have my blessed Pastor's sermons on the book to be my guide.

It has been another tough couple of weeks. I was not delighting myself in God and my idol crept up on me again and brought me to ruin. But through that weakness once again God was strong, and He kept right on using me anyway, man He's good!

This Monday I had a meeting with Pastor Jim & Janet Wine. I got to share with them some of the things I've been struggling through theologically and their reply was "looks like your struggling with the right things." That's what Christine always tells me! So frustrating, you want an answer, but it feels like there isn't one. Well there is, we just often don't listen to ourselves even when trying to preach it to ourselves, my friend said that's just the way God designed it - we are constantly telling each other what we already know, after all even Paul said, "To write the same things to you is no trouble to me and is safe for you." -Philippians 3:1 and Pastor Dave did say something to the effect everything doesn't stay at the forefront of our minds. So that has really frustrated me over and over again throughout this blog because I still remember the great joy I had at the start of the year and I want it back. But in the words of another pastor "I am a retarded worm!" because I am really losing sight of it too quickly, this is not maturity.

As I God was teaching me again about my weakness = His strength perfect & His glory shown, Pastor Wine shared that God will never allow a strong believer who doesn't struggle with sin, He will however allow a mature believer who learns to quickly repent of their sin and go forward with joy. Okay that makes total sense.

The past two week have been an amazing circle of preaching and being preached to all the same lessons with multiple people. Oh my gosh! It's been crazy! Ministering and being ministered to by the same people. I think with maturity too comes more of the ability to hear the truth from ourselves.

(The sun is rising and it's officially 24 hours, may this blog show His glories! I know this blog is haphazard, the lessons just came that way through the struggle and meditations. Lord please help me do justice to the telling of Your great power at work in this sinner!)

As I felt a strong discontentment with life the past two weeks (so idiotic) I meditated on Paul's confession "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need." -Philippians 4:11-12. My Holy Spirit led (I hope) exegesis on this verse was that Paul must have learned to glorify God in every situation, would He have been content with anything else? I think not. Shall I be content with anything else?

I realized that by my discontented-ness in where God had me, I was not seeking His glory. I was not trusting Him. I was still wanting my desires, not His, which is His glory, that is my exegesis on Psalm 37:4. Man, I know that is the Holy Spirit, it makes so much sense. If I am delighting myself in the Lord, He makes my desires into what His are, that is His glory and that means that He will give me that. Meaning, again, that He can be glorified and is to be glorified wherever He has placed me at any given time on any given day in any given circumstance. Do I want His glory? Yes. Do I sometimes think my desires are what He wants for me? Yes. But He says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:8-9. I should be confident only that His revealed will and sovereign-ly laid out past and present plan are for His glory and I should and can confidently delight in seeking to make the most of Him in that for His glory.

So I was tortured by not having my fleshly desires (it has to be said, because my spirit's desires would be His glory) met and then tortured to the realization that I was not seeking God's glory! Ugh! It was horrible, heart wrenching, but oh my gosh! Praise God! It was more heart wrenching to realize that in all this I wasn't seeking God's glory than not having my desires met. And then I realized I wasn't delighting in God enough. And so I realized I had built up false idols.

This the cycle, this the constant battle. It's everywhere in the scriptures. Even Hebrews warns of the being hardened by sin's deceitfulness and falling.

So my joy was gone for a while and only came and went on occasion, but it must have been false joy, not joy from full satisfaction in God. I said to my friends a few days ago "I read my bible and got something out of it, not like I just checked it off the list, I have prayed and begged for repentance and joy. I don't know what else to do." That was the problem I realized yesterday as I was still holding on to this grief,nd as I was admonished in a sermon again of what I had already known, that my lack of joy was a trust in God, and what a young believer had amazingly reminded me of, that whatever it is it works to His glory and my good. I was really convicted of this lack of joy being my lack of trust in God. But again, that is my weakness, and I am to turn and repent of it. But I was still holding onto it in my heart, so then I realized I was trying to turn this into some work I have to do, or I was waiting for some huge brokenness to take place or I don't know what. But I was holding on. So I realized I have put it in God's hands I need to just forget about it and go on and let God take care of it. But then I don't want to not take care of it if it's still there. So what do I do? Wait upon the Lord and cry out again and again. Humble myself before Him and He will give me grace. I will just rejoice in my weakness that His power may be perfected and He will receive all the glory! I will have joy, and if it's fake, He'll reveal that to me too.

Grace He does dispense, for where sin abounds all the more grace abounds all the more. But I will not continue in this sin. I will fight, ask Him for wisdom and rebuke myself.

While others in this present world suffer physical sufferings like Paul did:

Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort. For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many. For our boast is this, the testimony of our conscience, that we behaved in the world with simplicity and godly sincerity, not by earthly wisdom but by the grace of God, and supremely so toward you. For we are not writing to you anything other than what you read and acknowledge and I hope you will fully acknowledge-- just as you did partially acknowledge us--that on the day of our Lord Jesus you will boast of us as we will boast of you. Because I was sure of this, I wanted to come to you first, so that you might have a second experience of grace. I wanted to visit you on my way to Macedonia, and to come back to you from Macedonia and have you send me on my way to Judea. Was I vacillating when I wanted to do this? Do I make my plans according to the flesh, ready to say "Yes, yes" and "No, no" at the same time? As surely as God is faithful, our word to you has not been Yes and No. For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, whom we proclaimed among you, Silvanus and Timothy and I, was not Yes and No, but in him it is always Yes. For all the promises of God find their Yes in him. That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory. And it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and who has also put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee. But I call God to witness against me--it was to spare you that I refrained from coming again to Corinth. Not that we lord it over your faith, but we work with you for your joy, for you stand firm in your faith.
-2 Corinthians 1:2-24

I may suffer self infliction for my sins. But as my friend said, I guess that is just the way He designed it. Indeed I think, for if it is Christ's own suffering that we share in, did he not suffer the agony of sin crying out "My God my God why have you forsaken me?" To which I cry "for me Lord Jesus for me!" And He afterword He cried "It is finished!"

Greater love has no man than this than that He lay down His life for His friends. And yet we were His enemies.

As He faithfully grows me to maturity, I trust in Him alone for this, for obviously I would never ever attain it myself, I too will cry out "It is finished!" For surly as the sun rises He is RISEN! HE IS RISEN INDEED!

Amazing Grace amazing God. I still can't believe that one day I will hear the words "Well done though good and faithful servant." May I never think that I have attained that.

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 3:12-14

I want to grow in this- that I would every day, after confession forget what lies behind and press on toward the goal of the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. For I want to lay down my life with exceedingly great joy for my friends that they may know we are Christians by our love. If I stay stuck, sinfully, on my sin, not trusting God at the foundation of my salvation, that it is finished, I will never move forward in the new life. This is the key to joy, the gospel. CJ Mahaney and Jeff Purswell spoke so clearly to this. The temptation to dwell on sin and lose my joy will come and in many other forms will come the fight for joy especially when in ministry. They also said that Philippians is the place to go biblicaly. Coincidence? I think not!

So God has provided many answers in the lessons this week, much faithfulness through my sin, much of Him showing His glory and power in the believer's life.

Something else I don't want to forget. I felt at times as though I was letting go of God, lies came into my head. I learned to rebuke them and continually reminded myself that I am not held by my own power, ever, never ever, but it is He that holds onto me. I know others have and will confess this to me, so I will remember this time and tell them as long as they hold to their confession God will hold onto them.

"Prone to wander Lord I FEEL it, prone to leave the GOD I LOVE! Hear is my heart Lord take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above."

Lord if you are teaching me a joy not based on circumstances, bring it; Lord if you are showing me my weakness, show it; Lord if You are being glorified, show me! Show us!

I almost forgot. On that Monday meeting as I was talking to Pastor Jim & Janet Wine, and getting to talk for what seemed like the first time some things that were on my heart about where God had been leading my desires in ministry within FBC, he said "you're talking revival." Um yeah. . . that's what he said. I am talking revival! No complacency among us American believers! To whom much is given much is required! We need to lay down our lives like Christ! Die to ourselves moment by moment, oh geese I am preaching to myself again. In all seriousness we have it so easy, we could lay down 1/2 of ourselves and still be in the lap of luxury by comparison! Enough of my soap box. God is gracious to us.

Officially 25 1/2 hours awake. No time to sleep now, got to finish up some work and get ready and go to church to prep for tomorrow and then . . . what's that scripture that says don't let your left hand know what your right is doing. . . is that a scripture, someone told it to me, not sure, doesn't sound too good. . .

I'll edit this later, it's probably a mess! :)