Berean, Not

The reason for this post:
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. -1 John 1:9

It is my disobedience to God, my rebellion, my apathy, my obedience to the flesh that has caused my grief and struggle these 9 years. For if I would have searched the scriptures and seen if these things were so, I would have seen the truth, by God's grace, since the Holy Spirit is my teacher and Christ, the logos, Himself dwells in me.

I grew up in a church that believed in unlimited atonement. I listen to a clanging symbol. I became a legalist, a pharisee.

The consequences are great, not only to my inner man, but to the testimony of God's glory.

I suffer under my own sin, not under any persecution.

Now,

I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.
-John 15:5-11

I have been protected by God for once again,

if we are faithless, he remains faithful-- for he cannot deny himself. - 2 Timothy 2:13

I always was hearing the word, abiding in it that way. Attending any class or service I could, listening to sermons over and over again, but never doing my own work. God protected me time and time again, surrounding me with men faithful to the Scriptures that would not let me go astray. To these men I am ever indebted.

In this way I certainly see myself as the weaker vessel. If not for God's mercy and grace I would have been like Sadiq, whom some of you saw debate, very horribly, for the Muslims on Friday and Saturday. I concur with Sam to say that this man's blasphemy made me worn out and tired by Saturday afternoon.

I, in my laziness will most often go to music to find encouragement and peace, of this too I must repent, at least in part, a great part. Although again He has given me a spirit of discernment to know truth, and seek that my music be filled with it. But He says come straight to me, abide in My Word. I started a trek through the Proverbs, a book once wrought with conviction to my soul, I now found sweet, evidence too of His work in me. I see the faithful words of God bellowing the blessings and peace that come from being rooted in the Word.

I wrote to a friend today to thank her for showing me what was shown to her. . .

When you had me read Jesus' high priestly prayer to myself, then I saw as you said, He died just for the elect. How much more real this made His love for me. An intentional love, from before the foundations of the world. He died not for everyone, He died for me.

Oh amazing love how can it be!

On Sunday, while witnessing in a Claremont neighborhood, I spoke to a woman who had no belief in God or heaven or hell. Her "good" according to her standard was all that mattered. No sin, because it was all her standard. Before we went to the street I prayed with my partner, and confessed to not being an approved workman rightly dividing the word of truth, in tears. When I was speaking to this woman I said, I wish I could tell you your standard was okay, but if there was another standard and it was higher than your own and you were going to be judged by it wouldn't you want to know? She quickly replied, but why would you want to be guilty all the time? - Yes this is what my conversation with this stranger while out witnessing Sunday afternoon led to! Can you believe it! God was confronting me here! I couldn't deny it for long and I said, yes I am guilty but Christ paid for it all! And she said, but wouldn't you feel even more guilty that He did that for you? I had to tell her that all that will be done away with in heaven and I have that hope, for certain because of Christ who made an end to all my sin. She said I am happy for you. We had started the conversation with this woman pointing to creation and the sustainment of her own life, and pointing to her conscience and the eternal soul within. She just kept on saying that is what you believe. Towards the end I knew I needed to stick in some seeds, I was going to go to Colossians where it says He cancelled the certificate of debt, but the Lord took me to John 3:16-21:

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God."

I said, yes I would be guilty. I apologized to her if it seemed we'd been arguing and asked if we could pray for her. I wasn't discouraged by this conversation or the one before which was similar, except more difficult to try to engage this liberal lesbian, because she said where I am today I might not be tomorrow. The gospel made it's way out and it may be the first step in a long haul, but to God be the glory, His word never returns without accomplishing that for which it was sent.

So this I have been dealing with for the past year, properly dealing with my guilt, not alone, but with a gracious sister in Christ. I'm getting there, by His grace. Take it to the cross you say? Yes indeed, but in the past at times that has felt so abstract. Wouldn't you agree? Yes a legalist must deal with this in great detail to be free indeed. Scary words, I know. I fear not, I know the truth because it has been given to me. I must keep on believing. Preach the gospel to myself. It's quite simple though isn't it? I should have cried out with Peter sooner, help me in my unbelief.

I am comforted by the words of someone who said once your mind is expanded to new truths it can never go back. So I trust the further dealings in depth of my deceitful heart versus the truth, the truth indeed will bear light in the darkness.

Your word is truth

sharper than any two edged sword able to divide between both bone and marrow, able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart


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If I didn't sit down and write this all here, I would have no discipline to meditate on it otherwise. But now I will suffer the consequences of foolishness to have not gone to bed earlier!!! Awake for 17 1/2 hours with a slight headache, not bad. I had a large cup of coffee this morning. Hopefully I won't be immune to caffeine tomorrow, I'll definitely need it!