Today

I came in to work today to walk in on a conversation between two of my unsaved co-workers. One was declaring that she now knows that Christians are full of BS. That she would never forgive the offense. That they live one way at home and one way at work. That they are all hypocrites. That the offender never says I'm sorry.

I stood there not knowing what to say. Then went to my office and prayed.

I hate being so consumed with my forgiven sin that I am not making the time to pray for those that are under God's wrath. That I am not prioritizing my life around the testimony I have to the unbelievers in my daily walk. That I am not helping bear the burdens of my beloved brethren.

I hate that when I feel the weight of my own sin, it hinders my ability to encourage others and speak boldly for the Lord.

My prayer turns to "Let me walk in righteousness for your names sake O Lord." "Cause me to walk in a manner worthy of the calling." "Whether I eat or drink may I do all for the Glory of God."

I know that awareness of my sin and the chance to repent of it is a gift and is causing my growth and it is a good, indeed a great thing, but I get tired of it and cry "Maranatha! Come quickly Lord Jesus!" when all the weight of all the personal struggle and the ministries are felt at once. But I must look up and see Him there who made an end to all my sin and is preparing a place for me and has said, "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you, do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

I must not be afraid. I fear my sin. But must remember it is covered. I fear letting that truth sink in so quickly that I have not truly dealt with my sin. I even fear rejoicing over the love of God, because in my head quickly comes a voice that says "You are taking pride in the love of God." I have long struggled with this.

Oh brother, here goes, I need to work this out, voice this,
but must keep it short. . .

I know I do not deserve the love of God. I will not look at another who is sinning and think myself above them for the love God has for me, a sinner in full need of His grace. But somewhere along the line Satan keeps taking a foothold in my thoughts. This is why I have found it so hard to rejoice and hope in heaven and in the love of God with an un-guilty conscience even though He has commanded me to for the sake of hope to be able to press on. I came across Ephesians 3:14-21 recently:
For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith--that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

I can't remember ever reading these verses before. And I cried "Why, why was I not taught this?"

He is teaching me now.

I grew up believing in sacrificing my life for Him. Yes this is true and right, but He says to enjoy it. Oh, He says His commands are not burdensome, how this truth eluded me and still seeks to. How can all this be true together? Sacrifice is not something you would group together with joy, commands with freedom. How then? BECAUSE IT IS ALL ROOTED IN HIS LOVE! Your steadfast loving kindness will lead me, O Lord.

It's no wonder I did not understand this, for I had no example of it, or shunned what example I did have of it. For five years I heard the truth spoken without love in church. And in some families it's all commands, commands, commands, without even a hello often times.

But I do not deserve the greatness I have been given. All my life, before salvation and after has been flooded in His mercy and grace. And so tomorrow and today it shall be the same, for He is faithful. Soli Deo Gloria.