I have been listening to John MacArthur's sermons on Jesus' sermon on the mount, the beatitudes. He calls each "Happy are the. . ." No I never studied these before. Read through them, but never studied. Here lay all the answers. They come at a providential time don't they?
Besides giving me great comfort through reminding me last week (exactly when I needed it) that my tears of brokenness are the blessed tears of the poor in spirit & the mournful, yesterday it gave me great comfort with the new tears I am experiencing over every little outburst of anger or mistake that I make, is my thirsting for righteousness. He said Paul and Moses and Peter longed to see more and more and more of God's greatness. I want more of God's greatness displayed through my life. Oh my gosh, or as the new phase I am going to initiate says, oh His goodness! As I wrote those words (I want more of God's greatness displayed through my life) I felt like I wanted to still be in a lowly state. It's a both and. His righteousness, His righteousness is displayed in my life and I will turn the glory to Him with my mouth, and proclaim I am a sinner saved by grace that God would work in me to display His glory. Okay that makes sense. Thank you Lord. I'm back to normal now.
The two reasons this all came to a head will now be told (yes this blog wasn't originally intended to go this way, but it's necessary, I must keep record of it for myself to recall His miracluous gracious patients with me and faithfulness to Himself, wow, His chosen love made Him willingly bound to be faithful to keep His promise to continue the good work in me until the day of Jesus Christ). It really started with John MacArthur's preaching on God's call to man for obedience. I was taught heavily sided on God's sovereignty. My deceitful heart made some bad doctrine, but no one would have known. God granted me a servants heart and I was obedient in church, only in church. Now I struggle through finding this "balance" - if we want to call it that. One struggle at a time please. Thank you.
One
So this is something I have been much to ashamed to share, well I haven't always been too ashamed. Shame is good when it comes to sin and by His grace it finally got to the place where it was too much. For 24 years and 10 months (that's how long I've been alive) I have been habitually late. No matter how huge the occasion, how great the need I be there on time, how necessary for me to keep my job or graduate from High School, this pattern of non-discipline had been unbroken. Yes there were times of victory, but only temporary. I was never really ashamed of it. People said it is disrespectful, but I never felt that way in my heart, decietful, I really thought more of myself then them, didn't I? I was upset about it with myself. I did however realize I really thought highly of someone when I really tried and actually made it on time to meet with them, Laura Forsyth. Until they showed me grace and then I took it and ran with it. I have always been shown grace, and I mean always. Never have the consequences been dire, or they just never bothered me enough. Ugh this is horrible to write about. Yes this pattern came from my upbringing, but there is no excuse, James 4:17 "So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin." I don't even want to continue writing about this, I was really gung ho about it too (is that how you spell that?). Okay I'll keep going. By God's grace everything has always been okay, but now it wasn't. My current job is much more strict and gracious. They warned me repeatedly, so now my job was on the line and my testimony. One of my bosses actually said to me "It's not true to who you are." Gracious words. God finally broke me of my rebellious heart. Something has finally clicked in my mind and I just am different. I always knew it was a matter of the will, I always knew that, always. People would say get to bed early, get up earlier, set the alarm clock across the room etc. I always knew that none of that mattered, and I would tell them, even if I got 2 hours of sleep or 10 I could get up if I wanted to. He graciously changed my will, transformed my mind. Oh my gosh, that reveals it, the sinful rebellious heart of man. Only God can grant repentance or we would stay in our sin forever. Stupid lamb. It caused me so much stress and heart ache. It was horrible and still I would not change! God is merciful.
The weekend when this change occurred was really interesting.
That week I had been thinking about repentance being instant and how everything is left at the cross and we just need to move forward. A clear picture that came to mind goes like this (a blog I never wrote):
The thing I always loved about school was getting to start fresh every year and even every semester. You always knew that whether you finished well or not, it was over, you got a fresh start with the expectation to do better and you never had to look back. Oh to have that good and true perspective about the Christian life every day, with His mercies being knew every morning!
[Interject more thoughts I've been trying to work through: Though it is hard to leave it like that afraid I haven't truly repented of sin. We'll come back to that, as I realize this story holds part of the answer.]
It was Friday of this particularly difficult week, sinfully not as productive as I should have been, and had not been there on time. At 5pm however, I declared to the Lord, "That was all sinful, forgive me. Next week is a new week." And put it behind me, I really did, and received joy, even though I had been crying about it all that week. I started reading Lamentations that night out of curiosity. Saturday was off to a productive and joyful start, I finished reading Lamentations. It really harmonized with me. I was shocked to find there these words:
"The LORD is in the right, for I have rebelled against his word;
"Look, O LORD, for I am in distress; my stomach churns; my heart is wrung within me, because I have been very rebellious.
"Their heart cried to the Lord. O wall of the daughter of Zion, let tears stream down like a torrent day and night! Give yourself no rest, your eyes no respite!
"Arise, cry out in the night, at the beginning of the night watches! Pour out your heart like water before the presence of the Lord!
"The joy of our hearts has ceased; our dancing has been turned to mourning.
"But you, O LORD, reign forever; your throne endures to all generations.
"Restore us to yourself, O LORD, that we may be restored! Renew our days as of old-- unless you have utterly rejected us, and you remain exceedingly angry with us.
Wow. A true picture of repentance. By nightfall Saturday, which carried onto Sunday I was distraught again. Don't remember what brought it about, probably doesn't need to be written here. By nightfall I decided to set my face like flint, carry my cross and do what it took, with His grace, to get to work on time, to set my job rightfully as the priority, the call God had given me. He granted victory! He grants it still. I still have a long way to go. Have to stop letting circumstance get in the way of getting to church on time, and everywhere else.
So now in my workplace He has renewed my joy and contentment, given me a testimony of His grace and mercy, my sin, me the sinner, saved and changed by His grace. That Friday I boldly shared the gospel with my co-worker. It was glorious, no she didn't repent, but it was glorious. God is working. God is working. Gracious Merciful God!
Before I go to Two. . .
My friend said to me yesterday, as I had been in tears over my sins again, really real tears over specific sin, "I wish you could see how God is using you, how you showed the love of Christ tonight. I wish I was as conscience and broken over my sin as you. I see God is preparing to use you for great things." I told her I still saw all the greatness of my sins when I am at home (I am presently reminded of the feeling I used to have when I was first a Christian, at home, feeling like it was never enough, now I remember what I am feeling now is what I felt then and they always only chose to see the bad). I told her not to ask God to do that because it really hurts, and I said to her that I wasn't sure it was that good to be so broken all the time about sin, because I was feeling like I wasn't then showing the righteousness of God and the joy that would cause them to question us of our hope. But now I see clearly again, the hope we have is shown in our trusting God took care of our sin problem and our joy comes from that. It's just that in the moment of harsh brokenness, especially when it seems to come in constant wave that takes you up and down, up and down, often within the same day, it's hard to remember. I don't want to struggle with it again, but I know I will. There is always knew levels of brokenness and sorrows to discover, because there is an infinite level of grace to discover. It's glorious. I don't want to miss it. I am going to see what John Piper has to say about it. He probably makes it simple and as spectacular as it truly is.
I used to always pray for my faith to be tested, in evident ways like persecution so I could rejoice at being counted worthy of being persecuted for the name of Christ (is that how it goes?). But I indeed lived feeling like everyday was a trial, and hope to still see it that way. Indeed our faith is being tested with this economy. Will we fall into the temptation to worry when He clearly told us not to because He would provide, if we sought first Him and His kingdom, which we do by His amazing grace!? In times of waiting will we fall into the temptation to believe the lie that God is not good and doesn't know what is best for us? In everyday will I have faith to believe that God is totally Sovereign over every little thing, every little thing, that happens? Will I look at it that way and then respond with that awareness, which is a glorious thing! I have been tried in these three and failed lately. I remember having this perspective when I was younger. I think now I feel more responsibility and like there is not a safety net like before, but that is not true. Yes, He has brought more responsibility to me with age, but my safety net is always Him and He doesn't change.
Let's move on.
Two
The new found relationships within my family. The new found, well not so new found, realization that family is first , probably what is new found is obedience to it. It's really changed a lot over the years. Where we are now is a far cry from where we were. God has been most gracious and merciful. Man I see it, His glory, for yes indeed, the place my testimony was bleakest, He has worked abundantly in. My sister is newly saved, with-in the past year she suspects, but wow the change in her has been so very clear and evident. So much to glorify God about in the telling of that story. He actually gave me someone to come home to, someone to talk to and share with and come to for comfort when I needed it. But boy if that saying is true, that you hurt those you love the most, we really love eachother the most. :) But then again I have always known that. I always told the Lord I would gladly lay down my life for her.
My mom is ever amazingly graced by God. Her salvation is questioned by my little sister. But surly God's grace and mercy is poured out abundantly on her. She gets up the earliest and makes my little sister breakfast and lunch, starts cleaning up after everyone else rushes off in the morning, gets ready for work, works all day at the bakery for my dad, comes home and keeps going until her head hits the pillow no ealier than 10, more often 11 and sometimes 12. And I tell you by my testimony, she does it all with joy and love. I am amazed as I write this. Oh Lord that I would be like her one day!
My dad, we won't speak about his past sins, that still linger but in much, much, much smaller quantity, has changed so so so so much. I know God has answered the prayers of the faithful saints of Foothill Bible Church. Blessed are those who show mercy for they shall receive mercy. John MacArthur said the most merciful thing one could do is intercede for the lost. Blessings upon you! Foothill Bible Church really impressed me when I first came there by there devotion to pray. It says a lot about it's living what they believe. My father is not saved yet, although he really has had a different countenance this week, it's been strange. Don't know what is up yet. And when I shared the gospel Tuesday he agreed with everything. That was strange and he kept staring at me. He also saw Fireproof yesterday! So he definitely heard the gospel again. And he did come to my room and say goodnight and I love you tonight. Hum. . . The day that the gospel was shared with him providentially by three different men (after Jackie's baptism), was both glorious and painful for me as all my life's testimony before them was put on display (ouch, ouch). I really didn't want to talk about it was too much. But it was so good. So good. Repentance bring healing, and before repentance comes acknowledgment of sin. It was something like that that day. It was so overwhelming. But I did receive this confirmation from both my mom and dad that day, when they both said to the others "she's changed." PRAISE GLORY AND HONOR BE TO GOD! I attribute this work, of having love and compassion and servant mindedness at home to the living out of the teaching, by the elders, at Foothill Bible Church. Their example sanctified me. It was a rough start at FBC, trying to "fit-in" with my peers, but they showed me grace, much much grace, and God really worked in my life through that. I have seen love like never before and understood Christ like never before, although sitting here, I honestly still feel like I don't know Christ at all. His beauty is so great, I feel like I have touched the tip of infinity, actually that sounds like too much, the tip of infinity is a lot. . . um actually, un-intentionally that makes a lot of sense. . . I have touched the tip of His infinite beauty and it swallowed me whole! I want more! God so graciously caused me to finally take this love into my home. It's really just been my own sanctification in front of their eyes, hasn't it? There it is again that glorious truth, me sinner, Jesus Savior, me repent, Jesus grow. :) So I can rest can't I?
Okay why One and Two brought about this, what felt like calamity, the past few days. I felt like I had to be perfect now! Why? Satan, did you put that in my head? I don't know anymore for it all seems clear now. Praise God for blogging! Too strange to feel so off one day, sinful for blogging and be able to get on and God work me through my thoughts and bring the true gospel to bear! WOW! God is glorious!
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.
-Romans 12:1-3
I broke the rules tonight (it's 3AM, but I'm thinking we may get off work early due to the holiday weekend and I'll allow myself to enjoy a delicious cup of French Vanilla coffee in the morning), but it proved right and necessary. Praise God!
Anything else? Oh yeah, I never shared how amazing the Sunday after that Friday, of leaving putting it behind me, was. Now I remember. It was Mother's day. I was in total rebellion of the Lords will, bitter too. Satan and my own desires tempted, I fell. My opportunity to speak with my unsaved extended family, and my opportunity to enjoy my family was destroyed by my sinful heart. It happened Easter Sunday too, these are the bookends to Satan's attacks, who doesn't want to see me proclaim the glories of God among them. Well that wasn't so amazing, what was amazing was how when I needed the gospel most applied to me, God provided it in the most glorious way. I watched Fireproof with Jackie that night and oh His goodness! He allowed me to apply the gospel to all my sin as it was presented there, I made application to my own sins so greatly! It was glorious, completely glorious! I never want to forget. The best biblical counselors do this, they know how to apply the gospel to every problem, because no problem is apart from sin, and no solution to sin is apart from the blood of Christ!
Lord teach me to apply the gospel to my self inflicted wounds and that I may too help my brothers and sisters apply Your glorious work on the cross to their lives daily. Teach us your way O, Lord, unite our hearts to fear Your Name, cause us to walk in righteousness for Your Name's sake O, Lord!
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