Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
-Matthew 5:3-6
I am realizing the great lengths it takes to break me of my sin. It's a battle and I am realizing that means I have to fight. It is spirit against flesh, one weak one strong. I am weak.
I am not used to keeping quiet about my sin or my feelings, I never hide them. This is something I am learning to do, for discretion is sometimes good, and sometimes it hurts too much to tell. But tonight I had to pour out my heart to someone, as I failed to pour it out to God. He provided. She listened for 45 minutes strait through without a word. I sobbed as I spoke every word. Jessica told me she was encouraged as she heard the fighting in my words and to rejoice in this because in my weakness God's strength will be shown. Blessed be the name of the Lord! She reminded me at the end of my weakness only God will be glorified. AMEN! This is what I want, isn't it. But boy does it hurt. It's funny I had read these, Paul's words not a few days earlier. I didn't see it that day as I saw it today, although I'd seen it many times before.
When I wrote "I wish" I was really in despair over my sin. I hated the way I was feeling and my sinfulness. When I came out of it, I rejoiced I had found victory and I saw that that was what it took to bring it, that God would be glorified, because I cannot manufacture repentance or joy! These are granted by God, not the flesh, but by the Spirit. To God be the glory great things He has done!
But quickly more sin came to haunt me and torment me. This is good, He brought me to weakness again, brokenness again. Jess said that when I don't like seeing my sin it is because my pride doesn't like it, it wants to see me be strong. How true. I understood this from the perspective of self-righteous sorrow over my sin when God said He removed it as far as the east is from the west. But I'd forgotten, and never really have grasped it fully. Today I understood it more.
This year I have often told myself that anxiety over sin is wrong past the point of it's revelation to us, because He has done away with it in every way conceivable, He said we're dead to it. But the flesh remains weak and stubborn, and I confess I want to stay in my sin even when I am completely conscience of it's horrible effects.
This past week was quite victorious, with many other pitfalls, but a huge one, made huge progress (Christine encouraged me to pick just one after last week's sermon, I knew which one it had to be, it plagued me 5 days a week). Praise be to God!
For 5 consecutive Sundays I had felt the effects of my sin rob my joy as I tried to worship corporately. I didn't think that today would be number 6. I prayed God to grant me joy and focus during worship today. He did. But soon after my sin was before me again.
Switchfoot sang long ago "I dare you to move as if today never happened." I took this challenge as a new believer. They also said "Welcome to resistance, the tension is here, the tension is here, between who you are and who you could be, between how it is and how it should be." On that same album which came early in my Christian walk, they sang "I never thought I could fall this far, I never knew I could hurt this bad." I newly related to those lyrics. Listening to their much more recent album this man sings "I'm tired of feeling low, feeling low." And this great line that harmonized with me when I wrote "I wish" where he asks "is this a new tear or just another desperation." I'd only recently pulled this one out to listen to it again, because originally I hadn't found much in it to process. I never thought a grown man could be feeling the same things I was. Oh how I asked over and over and over again! I need new tears, I need new eyes. He granted. He grants it still.
The first Christian artist I knew as a baby believer was Watermark. Praise the Lord! They so beautifully preached the gospel to me and challenged me and told me of His love over and over and over again. On their very first album she sang these words:
Dusty Feet tired from walking, but You have beautiful Feet, and You walk those roads and You gave hope to me, callused Hands tired from working, but You have beautiful Hands and the wounds therein have given life to me, and I want to know Your beauty to hold it hear in my heart, oh Lord if only I could make my road look like Your road, if I could love the way You love, if Your Word in my heart was the only thing I use to fill me up, I want to place my feet where wounded walk and where you learn to love no matter what the cost, I want to go, I want to walk Your road.
(aside - how many ties that song has to stories unwritten, they must be told)
I always always prayed with her I want to walk your road. Lately when I think of that I think of the "Man of Sorrows." Over the years how many times have I said whatever you want Lord. Your will not mine. Do whatever it takes. Break me before you give me. Your glory alone. You alone. Why now do these words come so much harder to my heart? So strange, now that I know so much more of His blessing and faithfulness and joy and truth.
I hadn't listened to that song in so long, but for this reason the words, only these words "I want to walk Your road" where brought to my mind and I would go back to the song to quote it in it's whole and read the words, so that I might see again the rest of them and realize I need to re-learn all of this, and actually learn it for the first time. All that has been written in this blog, all I was ever taught must continually be learned. We are sheep. The gospel does not start and end the day of salvation. The scriptures once memorized are still living and active. The sins once conquered must always be conquered again.
This single blog will be the culmination of all the blogs and the untold stories, if I can keep writing. Hope you can follow this journey.
The only light I ever saw at the end of the tunnel was Heaven. As a hyper-legalist (or whatever I was made up by some off theology I conjured up) I thought all pleasure and happiness was reserved for that place, but He said Glorify God and in that enjoy Him forever, starting today. Oh I want to get this!
This the untold story, I've been waiting to tell it. . .
I will never ceased to be amazed at God's unveiling to me in retro spec the purposes of the workings of His sovereignty.
I was born, the first generation Colombian-American of my family. I was born into a half-Christian family (if that). At age 10 my father opened a bakery and both my parents went to work 7 days a week, at least 10 hours a day. My older sister was in High School at the time and was what you see in movies. My younger sister was only 2 years old. I was yet unsaved. I did not make a good mom at 10 or 11 or 12 or any other age, much less a good sister. But I remember often interceding for her when my parents didn't understand what she wanted or needed. I never looked good to the world. My older sister did, she never wanted me around. The Lord protected me.
After a few years of getting by moderately the Lord prospered my parents. As children our love was bought, there was no time for it to be shown. Discipline was not given, for they were only with us a few hours and it hurt them to further hurt us. When I cried, I was not shown compassion, rather I was yelled at. Obedience was rewarded right along with disobedience, actually I think disobedience even more.
My life was characterized by sorrow and depression. I hated my parents, often, often questioning their love for me.
When the Lord had gracious great mercy on me and saved me of my sin, in my sophmore year of High School, I was in a bible teaching church. I rationalized all my sin and hatred for my parents, after all they were sinners and had done everything wrong because they wanted more money. I complained to God for the life He'd given me. I didn't have the perfect American Christian family where mom stays home and dad works 8-5 and all the kids have happy lives with right discipline, activities that mom and dad get to partake in and don't work after school and get to go to college with the true encouragement of their parents. I would still get depressed often about my sin and my life, though I would find great satisfaction in church and serving at all times as much as I could.
I had given my life to Christ, well He took it, sinful sinful life that it was and remained and remains. He gave me a new heart that He promised to keep working on. This heart wanted to do all for the Lord. It found it's place of joy. It was a taste of heaven. 24/7 fellowship, in the word and preaching the word. The mission field. This was a false picture. But what I got to taste of it I loved and it was evident He gifted me in this way. I never feel so complete as those times when I am sharing the Word of God. I felt it over and over and over again. From the first taste of missions in 2000, after only a year of being a believer, I'd found my place. Argentina held everything I wanted or so I thought. It was my escape from my life to do what I loved a noble thing, fulfilling my gifts. To be surrounded by fellowship where everyone loved me and self-sacrificially served God. Sounds good huh? Well I wanted to go and stay, every time I came back it was with sorrowful tears. My dad said no I couldn't go, until I came back from the last trip in 2006. I got home and my dad said "Welcome home," and I said "Maybe not," and he said "You have my blessing." It's hard to take my dad at his word, but this time he really meant it. So I said in my heart "I'm going," and told everyone else too, not a clue what this really meant, but everyone new I wanted it for years and that I was happy when I was there and everyone really wanted that. And of course I was willing to sacrifice everything else for the Lord, who wanted a nice suburban living, that never got me anywhere. It was time for a reality check. Art Nakamura gave it. Longer story shorter. . . I made my plans as best I could to get myself to Argentina. It was not God's will, well obviously, but it wasn't so obvious then. But it really became clear not too long after, or so it seems that way looking back. I was unsatisfied with my ability to minister at FBC. Some tried to persuade me not to go due to bad doctrine, I am the weaker vessel after all. Others got to go, but no, not me. FBC was in the process of developing it's core values and 10 year church planting strategy! Finally a place where I can get involved in some serious work for the Lord. Still I was a woman and had no place in that. It was hard being a girl wanting to serve in capacities she couldn't with no male leadership, sometimes it's still hard. I didn't have any like minded peers at the time either, this made it hard too. But finally the Lord over many means and many years showed me where my mission field was, right where I was. Oh yeah, that is all our mission fields whether you're a mom, a college student, a father providing for his family or a HS or Jr High student or alive or born into a half-Christian family with non-christian extended family.
Dusty Feet tired from walking, but You have beautiful Feet, and You walk those roads and You gave hope to me, callused Hands tired from working, but You have beautiful Hands and the wounds therein have given life to me, and I want to know Your beauty to hold it hear in my heart, oh Lord if only I could make my road look like Your road, if I could love the way You love, if Your Word in my heart was the only thing I use to fill me up, I want to place my feet where wounded walk and where you learn to love no matter what the cost, I want to go, I want to walk Your road.
My home. "No matter what the cost." Away from the fellowship I love. Away from love as I have come to know it. "To love the way You love," unconditionally. "To know Your beauty," so I can show it, as only I can. Lessons again, lessons again. But I am tired, so tired, and my heart feels callused. [Pity Party tears welled up momentarily after writing I'm tired, forgive me Lord.] God soften my heart again, I wasn't alert and let it become hard in my sin and unbelief, in my desires, and forgetting You know best.
This is the most current fight. It is a fight it means I must be willing to die to self over and over and over again. I am excited at the prospect of reaping the promise of God that as I follow Him along this hard road there is joy to be had. If the end is the salvation of the lost, I ask forgiveness again and say wow Lord you are so gracious and so patient, again. That wasn't enough, reverently this time "LORD, YOU ARE AMAZINGLY GRACIOUS AND AMAZINGLY PATIENT!!!"
Let me elaborate on these again and back up in the story now.
Had I not been born into a half-Christian family, my heart would not break for the lost as it does, nor understand the blindness and the futility of all their ways as I can to this point. If I had not been the first American-Colombian I would not be able to relate to those first generation Hispanic-Americans that make up so many of our neighbors. If my dad had not been the visionary he is and not opened the bakery, I would not have come to know the right gospel that is the power of God unto salvation. Nor would I have been shaped in all these things to become more into the image of His Son and to value true love as I do. There is so much more, so much I have seen and haven't seen.
This year God has really caused me to say forgive me for all the years of complaining over so much. Those have been good good good times. And say forgive me for all the ways I failed to serve You as you called and failed to enjoy You as You allowed. It has been through God's showing of His goodness and that their is more in store that I have said forgive me, I was wrong, I did not see through me sin to Your goodness.
You know the argument we often use for the Bible being fully inspired by God because what man would indite himself like that? I am making a correlation.
I used to feel like I wasn't serving God when I sang in the choir because I loved singing. But when I expressed that to someone shortly after coming to FBC they replied I find it a double blessing because I enjoy it and I am serving God. How far I was in my thinking from knowing God. I still fall into this thinking. Those verses really hit me in the new and old testament. This has been my Psalm:
Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin! For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment. Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me. Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice. Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you. Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation, and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Do good to Zion in your good pleasure; build up the walls of Jerusalem; then will you delight in right sacrifices, in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings; then bulls will be offered on your altar.
-Psalms 51
Yes, over the years my most comforting verse was a broken spirit and a contrite heart these you will not despise.
I still feel like something is missing. Tonight there is a disconnect, at this moment, not earlier. If I read through this blog there would be much more to insert, much to clarify. But I must stop here. CJ admonished me this way.
My mission field He also graciously gave me is South Upland, from the first campaign He really used me, in a more permanent ministry that kept me grounded and safe within my church, by which He's taught me so so so so so much.
He brought others too, many others. Wonderful, unique people, on fire for the Lord, sacrificial servants, with pasts so similar and unique that reaped the same lessons I had or would come to learn through them. Among these, Louis and Christine Ottrando. A real mother and father to me. Ones I so desperately needed. Showing an unconditional love and constant care and example, one I need so much.
I neglected the wisdom my Heavenly Father had for me through my earthly father. Secular wisdom is often in line with biblical wisdom, because that is how God rules the world. Here are some reminders I got from greeting cards I saw while walking through the mall with Jackie yesterday.
It has been so good to go back to things I think I have repented of or remember the things I neglected to ask forgiveness for and really clean out the cob webs and humble myself before God and say how wrong I was, how right you are. And trust Him for tomorrow, and not think about it, because as that not so comforting verse says "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Mat 6:34, but it is very good not to think about tomorrow. It's been a good practice.
I didn't want to believe it when CJ said "if it hurts it's not dead yet." I still had the hurt and wanted to believe it was just false theology that was causing it. Surely that plus Satan's lies makes it harder to root out, but truly I want the Lord to have my whole heart and I will say in faith, not feelings, "DO WHATEVER IT TAKES!"
John Piper said, when your desires are strongest you will do what you can to justify them and Satan pulls out all the missiles to attack and get you to fall. Resist the Devil and he will flee. We won't give up the fight and we won't lose, Christ already won. He will win the battle for my heart, He promised and He already did.
"You shall have no other gods before me."
-Exodus 20:3
"It's easier to fake and smile and burn." "You be right and I'll be real."
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